TIC-TAC-TOE CHAMPIONSHIPS

By John V. Brennan
Edited and updated from a previously published parody piece on the now defunct Life is a Carnival Site
June 2008

STUFF YOU GOTTA WATCH: We are here in Wheeling, West Virginia, with Andre Gasparoff, The Internationally Renowned World Champion of Tic Tac Toe.

GASPAROFF: Greetings, all.

SYGW: Mr. Gasparoff, can you explain to us what is going on here today?

GASPAROFF: I'm here to play Tic Tac Toe against the Supercomputer.

SYGW: The Supercomputer?

GASPAROFF: Yes, it is a computer programmed by the greatest scientists of Europe and the United States, exclusively
designed to play Tic Tac Toe.

SYGW: Sounds like a tough opponent.

GASPAROFF: Yes. They tell me that The Supercomputer can calculate six billion moves in a nanosecond.

SYGW: So you are basically laying your reputation on the line.

GASPAROFF: In a manner of speaking, yes. We are going to play the best of 21 games, ties not included.

SYGW: That sounds fascinating. Would you mind if we recorded your commentary for our website?

GASPAROFF: Not at all. What site would that be?

SYGW: It's called STUFF YOU GOTTA WATCH. It's a Major Web Page on the Internet.

GASPAROFF: Oh, that one with that's obsessed with Scarlett Johansson?

SYGW: Um.. yeah... but it's really about classic movies.

GASPAROFF: A good page. I like that Scarlett. She should make a Tic Tac Toe movie.

SYGW: I see where the Supercomputer is ready to play, so let's have at it, shall we?

GASPAROFF: Okie Dokie. Now I have chosen to make the first move here, and then we will alternate.

SYGW: And what is your first move?

GASPAROFF: I will place an "X" in the center square.

SYGW: And now let's await the Supercomputer's move.

(Two and a half hour later)

SYGW: Ah! The Supercomputer has placed an "O" in the upper righthand corner. What do you think of that, Mr. Gasparoff?

GASPAROFF: A smart move. The Classic Sicilian Defense. I must think about this.

(Two hours later.)

GASPAROFF: I am going to place an "X" in the upper left hand corner.

SYGW: Hmmm, now there's an interesting move. I would have went for the bottom right-hand corner myself.

GASPAROFF: Well, that's why I'm the World Champion and you're some schmoe who hangs out on the Internet.

(Three hours later)

SYGW: It seems to be taking its time.

GASPAROFF: Well, it's programmed to do that. It has to figure out all the moves and then, by using geometric logic, it
chooses the right one.

(An hour later)

SYGW: Do you mind if we break for dinner? I'm hungry as a....

(The crowd gasps!)

SYGW: The bottom right hand corner! As I said four hours ago!

GASPAROFF: He blocked me! This is no ordinary computer! This is a sorcerer, this one is. I'm going to have to think
about my next move very carefully.

(One hour later)

GASPAROFF: Could somebody get me a towel? And a diet cola?

(Two hours later)

GASPAROFF: Well, I've been over this grid in my mind a thousand times, and I can only see one move that makes any
sense.

(The crowd applauds)

SYGW: Now there's a move I didn't expect.

GASPAROFF: That's my game. You gotta keep your opponent on his toes, keep 'em guessing, "where's he going, what's he
doing?". That's how I beat Von Richtenhoff in Prague, 1986. He cut off my advances on the corners and...

(The crowd gasps again!)

SUPERCOMPUTER: TIC... TAC... TOE... I.... WIN.

(A moment of stunned silence from the crowd.)

GASPAROFF: I didn't see that coming.

SYGW: Can you tell me what you are feeling at this moment?

GASPAROFF: I feel like I have to urinate very badly, grab a quick bite to eat, and then get back to the Championships.
I'm down one game to nothing, but we've got a long week ahead of us!