SPACE GUYS FROM PLUTO!

Transcripts of a long-lost early television program

By John V. Brennan
Based on characters created by John V. Brennan and John Larrabee
March2008

Stuff You Gotta Watch has recently uncovered a long-lost kinescope of one of the earliest science fiction programs on television, the immortal Space Guys from Pluto. It was broadcast live, and always had sections in the story devoted to pushing the product of whatever sponsor the show had for that week. To upload the video would be a real chore, so instead we treat you to a transcipt of the episode called The Lost Planet of Gold. On the same kinescope was a short clip from another episode, only partially preserved, titled The Planet That Was Incredibly Like The Old West. We present that too, just for kicks.

SPACE GUYS FROM PLUTO: The Lost Planet of Gold

NARRATOR: And now, Space Guys from Pluto! Brought to you by Toasty-os, the great taste of Toast in a bowl!

Our story opens as the U.S.S. Eisenhower is preparing to launch from the earth station located on the planet Pluto. Captain BeeBee and Ensign Quirk are in the cockpit, which looks suspiciously like two kitchen chairs in an empty room.

CAPTAIN: This is the U.S.S. Eisenhower preparing for launch. Do you read me, Station X-11?

VOICE: This is station X-11. You are cleared for take off to search for the Lost Planet of Gold.

QUIRK: Do you suppose we'll really find the Lost Planet of Gold, sir?

CAPTAIN: I don't know, Mr. Quirk, I just.. don't know. But I do know one thing.

QUIRK: What's that, Sir?

CAPTAIN: We'll never find it sitting around in this cockpit jabbering away. Put the key in the ignition and let's get this cockamamie spaceship in the air.

QUIRK: Right-o, Sir!

A few cheesy special effects, such as a toy rocket suspended on a string in front of a black piece of cardboard, and they are on their way.

CAPTAIN: What's with that wry smile you have on your kisser?

QUIRK: I was just thinking --- here we are, flying around in a spaceship called the Eisenhower. I wonder if President Eisenhower ever thought that there would be a spaceship named after him.

CAPTAIN: Nobody in the fifties ever thought about Outer Space. All they thought about was big cars, hamburger sandwiches and rock and roll. But that was years ago, man. This is 1981, for Pete's sake. Space travel has been part of the American Way of Life for 20 years. It's as American as Apple Pie, Baseball and ratting out dirty Commies. Anyway, let me see that space map, Mr. Quirk.

QUIRK: Sure, I have it right here in the glove compartment.

Through a curtain in the back that serves as the door, in walks the beloved character of Doc.

DOC: Well, flyboys, how's everything up here in the cockpit?

CAPTAIN: Doc, you old son of a gun! I didn't know you were on this flight.

DOC: I was sitting in the back of the rocket, watching the video screen from Earth. Guess what? The Dodgers won the pennant!

CAPTAIN: Let's here it for good old Brooklyn!

DOC: Besides, you didn't think I'd let you boys get all that gold on the Lost Planet, did you?

QUIRK: Assuming there is a Lost Planet of Gold.

CAPTAIN: You have some doubts, Mr. Quirk?

QUIRK: Well, it's all a legend, a story, without any proof. Just a fairy-tale, a fable, an old wive's... LOOK! THERE IT IS! THE LOST PLANET OF GOLD!

Quick insert of a tennis ball suspended on a string in front of a black piece of cardboard.

DOC: That's the Lost Planet of Gold?

CAPTAIN: Isn't it beautiful?

DOC: I guess it is attractive, if you're Bill Tilden.

CAPTAIN: Shhh! --- The Lost Planet of Gold! If the guys back in Brooklyn could see me now. Mr. Quirk, find a suitable place to land.

DOC: How about that spot that says "Wilson" etched into the fuzz?

CAPTAIN: Shh!

Another cheesy special effect shot, lifted from stock footage of a 50s Science Fiction movie, and the boys are exiting the spaceship.

CAPTAIN: Here we are, on the legendary Lost Planet of Gold! Quirk, take a picture of me standing in front of this gold mountain. Boy, if those good old Dodgers can see me now.

DOC: All right, already, we get it, you're from Brooklyn. I mean, I appreciate local references as much as the next fellow, but that's three mentions of Brooklyn already.

CAPTAIN: Quirk, just take the picture.

QUIRK: Sure, let me just get some flash powder for this camera and... Captain, look out!

Mr. Quirk drops his camera and rushes toward Captain BeeBee, pushing him out of the way just before the largest paper maché rock you ever saw bounces onto the set.

CAPTAIN: That was... too close for comfort! This never happened back on Flatbush Ave... . ummm... back on Earth.

QUIRK: I wonder where that came from.

Suddenly appears the series' villain, Matthias!

MATTHIAS: Wonder no longer, Earthling. For I am Matthias, and I have... I have... umm... For I am Matthias and I... have... um... Wonder no more, Earthling, for I am Matthias, and I have... er....

CAPTAIN: Umm... For you have claimed this planet for yourself?!?!

MATTHIAS: Yeah, that's it. I have claimed this planet for myself. And I don't need meddling Earthlings spoiling my plans. So, Captain BeeBee, you can just... you can just... umm... leave if you want...

CAPTAIN: Don't threaten us with death. You may pretend to be nice, but I know that you are going to try and kill us. I can see it in your eyes.

DOC: Where the hell are we in the script?

MATTHIAS: Yeah, that's what I meant. I'm going to kill you all so that I can have this planet all to myself. For I am Matthias and... umm... no....

DOC: See what happens when you miss the dress rehearsals.

CAPTAIN: Umm... the atmosphere on this planet seems to have clouded the mind of my chief medical officer. Perhaps a sharp stomp on his foot would bring him back to his senses.

DOC: Ooooof! Hey!

CAPTAIN: Well, Matthias, it is three against one. Let's see you fight all three of us.

MATTHIAS: You may think I have no energy, but there is one thing you don't know. I eat a hearty breakfast every morning.

QUIRK: Yes, but does your breakfast include the great taste of Toasty-os?

MATTHIAS: Toasty-os?

QUIRK: Yes, Toasty-os.

Quirk turns to the camera and addresses the audience directly.

QUIRK: Friends, Toasty-os is the only breakfast cereal with the great taste of toast. It's the breakfast cereal for those of you who are on the go, and don't have time to wait for toast to cook in the toaster. And Toasty-os stays crunchy in milk for up to a full minute. So if you are looking for a quick but delicious breakfast, friends, won't you add Toasty-os to your breakfast table? Your family will love you for it.

DOC: Toasy-os. Mmmm. I like mine with sugar!

CAPTAIN: I like mine just the way it is out of the box.

MATTHIAS: And don't forget the Decoder Ring in every box!

QUIRK: Toasty-os. The great taste of toast in a bowl. It's Toasty-licious.

From up above, an overhead light falls and crashes to the soundstage.

DOC: What the hell?

MATTHIAS: Jesus! That could have killed someone.

CAPTAIN: Er... well... so that''s your game, eh, Matthias? Dropping secret weapons on us from above.

DOC: Jeez, he's good.

MATTHIAS: Ummm.... yeah. That's my game. For I am Matthias...

DOC: Stop saying that!

At this point, the screen goes black and a narrator takes over.

NARRATOR: And so our heroes have been taken prisoner by Matthias, the evil curator of the Lost Planet of Gold. They have no weapons, no telephones to Earth, and, above all, no food.

Friends, if you're planning on going on a trip like our heroes from Space Guy from Pluto, don't forget to pack Toasty-os, the cereal that gives you that great taste of toast in a bowl. 9 out of 10 housewives agree, Toasty-os is the cereal for the men in their lives. Little Billy likes his with bananas, while Dad enjoys his with just a hint of vodka. So make Toasty-os a part of your family's breakfast. Your family will love you for it.

The screen fade in again, and we find our heroes in a dungeon. Apparently, nobody is aware the camera has cut back to them.

CAPTAIN: I still say Dimaggio is a better hitter than Williams. Man, what a sweet swing he has.

QUIRK: Well, I'm an old Boston man myself...

MATTHIAS: Yeah, well, five bucks says the Yanks sweep the Dodgers in the Series.

DOC: Look, you son of a bitch, you either learn your lines or I'm walking off this show. I gave up a shot at working with Gleason to do this show.

MATTHIAS: Hey, I'm sorry. I was out on a bender all last night.

DOC: Well, if you can't remember your damn lines, at least ad-lib something coherent besides "For I am Matthias". If you say that one more time I swear...

MATTHIAS: Okay, okay, I'll try.

DOC: Don't try! Do it! You're ruining this show, punk!

DIRECTOR: And... action!

CAPTAIN: You'll never get away with this, Matthias, you'll never get away with this!

MATTHIAS: Oh, no? You have no weapons, no telephones to Earth, and no way of escaping. I'd say I got away with it just fine.

CAPTAIN: You're mad, I tell you, you're mad!

DOC: I guess this means we'll miss the Dodgers win their 32nd World Championship this year, eh, Captain?

QUIRK: What do you plan to do with us?

All eyes are on Matthias, who does not answer.

QUIRK: Matthias?

MATTHIAS: Huh?

QUIRK: I said... "What do you plan to do with us?"

MATTHIAS: Is it my line?

DOC: Sweet Jehosaphat!

CAPTAIN: What do you plan to do with us? Kill us maybe???

MATTHIAS: Ummm... no... not exactly.... Um... We're all going to... umm...

DOC: Yes?!?!? What?!?!?

MATTHIAS: We're all going to... the World Series! Happy Birthday, Captain!

DOC: WHAT?!?!?

CAPTAIN: Umm... that's very nice of you, Matthias, but...

MATTHIAS: No buts about it. We've all been planning this four the past few months. Right, Quirk?

QUIRK: No... uh... yes, I mean yeah. We were just waiting to make sure the Dodgers won the pennant.

MATTHIAS: Yeah, so we're just going to hop back into that rocket of yours and fly back to Brooklyn just in time for the National Anthem. Right, Doc??

DOC: I'll kill you, I swear, I'll murder you...

MATTHIAS: And before we go, we'd better have something to eat. I've got just the pick me up right here.

DOC: What is that? Toasty-os?

MATTHIAS: No... Wheaties, you four eyed son of a bitch! For I am Matthias! Call me a punk, eh?

The screen suddenly goes black.

NARRATOR: Uh... well... it seems as if the... uh.. atmosphere of the Lost Planet of Gold is a little too thin for our heroes and especially Matthias, who seems to be babbling incoherently. So.. uh.. join us next week for more exciting adventures of The Space Guys from Pluto... brought to you exclusively by Wheaties... TOASTY-OS!!! Oh, good Lord...

And at this point, The Toasty-os Dancers come out and do an ad-libbed rhumba routine for twenty minutes until I REMEMBER MAMA comes on.

SPACE GUYS FROM PLUTO: The Planet That Was Incredibly Like the Old West.

For a few moments we see stock footage of an old cowboys and indians film, followed by a shot of Captain BeeBee and Mr. Quirk standing in front of a cheaply painted western backdrop.

QUIRK: Here we are on the Planet That Was Just Like the Old West, and me stuck without any American money. And boy, could I go for a bourbon and a cigarette right now.

CAPTAIN BEEBEE: Here, try one of these. It's a Swigarette.

Captain BeeBee hands Quirk a cigarette.

QUIRK: Swigarette?

CAPTAIN BEEBEE: Yes, it's the great taste of bourbon in a smoke.

The men light their Swigarettes.

CAPTAIN BEEBEE: (to the camera) Friends, if you are ever on a planet that is just like the Old West, and you have no money to buy a drink, worry no more - Swigarettes - the cigarette made from bourbon-soaked tobacco leaves.

QUIRK: Mmmm... smooth...

CAPTAIN BEEBEE: And yet it still has a kick like a mule!

QUIRK: Look out! Injuns!

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the tape runs out at this moment.