Stuff You Gotta Watch's
(Or: Pure Skill,
Annoyance and
Retribution) |
 |
SCATOLOGICALLY, MY DEAR WATSON
Last year, we reported that Sherlock Holmes was being
regroomed as an action star. We don't really know
whatever happened to that one - hopefully it is stuck in development
hell - but now, according to Ain't It
Cool News, Judd Apatow (Knocked
Up, Superbad) is going
ahead with a new comedy starring Sasha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell
as Holmes and his trusty sidekick Dr. John Watson.
We would comment further but we're too busy walking around
depressed and crying a lot. Not that Sherlock Holmes comedies
are intrinsically a bad thing - Without
a Clue was a pretty funny film - but Sasha Baron Cohen and
Will Ferrell? You just know there are going to plenty of
penis jokes ("Holmes... that's not your pipe!")... Excuse us, we're
crying again. We'll
be back to you later.
UPDATE: IF LIFE IMITATES ART, WHO IMITATES PAUL?
From Matt Tomach, co-president of production for Columbia Pictures: "Just the idea of Sacha and Will as Sherlock Holmes and Watson makes us laugh.... Sacha and Will are two of the funniest and most talented guys on the planet, and having them take on these two iconic characters is frankly hilarious."
Some fictional quotes from a fictional producer in our parody article Hollywood Set to Remake Everything: "Can you imagine Borat in a remake of Chaplin's City Lights?... Imagine Stagecoach with Borat in the John Wayne role and Jessica Alba as the whore with the heart of gold!... Can you imagine Will Ferrell as Schindler?... That would be hysterical..."
RANDOM HITCHCOCK
MGM has announced a new DVD "starter" package of Alfred Hitchcock films
that seems like they simply closed their eyes and pulled eight movies
out of a hat: The Lodger, Sabotage, Young and Innocent, Rebecca,
Lifeboat, Spellbound, Notorious and The Paradine Case.
Random,
yes, but a pretty nice selection of films, with Rebecca and Notorious
the standouts. (And yes, we now realize that for some reason,
we
never got around to reviewing The Paradine Case.) The set is called The
Premiere Collection and should be out in October. Lots of
nice
extras, including commentaries, interviews with Hitchcock, and vintage
radio adaptations of the films, one of those things that was big in the
1930s and '40s. A movie would come out in theaters, and then, for those
who couldn't afford the nickel (our grandmas tell us everything was a
nickel back then) they could listen to an adaptation of the movie,
often with many of the actual stars recreating their roles, on "Lux
Radio Theater". They should bring back "Lux Radio Theater", but we
don't know how well CGI effects would work on the airwaves.
HARRY POTTER AND THE MAGICAL TIME MACHINE
July 7th
On a recent examination of our site statistics, we noticed somebody
searching the Internet looking for a way to watch the final Harry
Potter film, Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows. The word "watch" plus the
film's title lead them to this site. Although we do have a review of the book,
we apologize to whoever this was for not having the film on our site to
watch. Unfortunately it is beyond our control, since (a) we
don't
host movies on this site, (b) that particular movie won't be out until
2010, and (c) that's only part one of what is to be a two-part
finale. But at least this gives us a chance to mention that
the
sixth Potter film, Half-Blood Prince, is at this very moment in
post-production (which is where they add all the magic and stuff) and
that in November, this site will have its second Harry Potter
Month. So stay tuned to this site (do not sign off,
ever!
You may miss something!) and enjoy this promo pic from Half-Blood
Prince. From the looks on Harry and Hermione's faces, it
looks
like a happy little film, don't it?
ALYSSA FOR COMYSSIANER 2008 EDITION
There are many thing wrong with baseball - the
steroids
scandal, interleague play, anybody with the last name of
Steinbrenner... but last year we greatly enjoyed actress Alyssa
Milano's Hot Corner
reports during the playoff, where she went behind the scenes are
various ballparks and showed us how they change the scoreboard at
Fenway Park and stuff like that there. And we are happy to
see
that the ex-star of Who's the Boss
and Charmed is once again
writing about baseball in her Touch 'Em All
blog. She's no George Will or Roger Angell when it comes to
pure
baseball writing, but just being Alyssa Milano and blogging
about
baseball is good enough for us. We even forgive her for being
a
Dodgers fan (them bums shoulda never've oughta left Brooklyn!) and once
again hope to see her in the Hot Corner this October, and we mean that
in a nice way.
A MESSAGE FROM GREAT GUIDANCE
Hu-Mans at Stuff You Gotta Watch: We have
been monitoring your site and calculating our estimates.
FACT: Your site is not easy to navigate! FACT: Few
life forms, Hu-Men or Ro-Men, realize that the little rectangular
pictures at the top of each review are actually links back to main
sections! FACT: Too much time spent covering the Hu-Man Wo-Man known as
Scarlett Johansson! This verges on failure! You
will calculate the following corrections based on the Laws of
Ro-Man! One: Add small text links at the bottom of each review that
lead back to the main section that review belongs to as well as a link
back to your site's main page. Two:
Rectify other mistakes in each review. To spell wrong is to
be like the Hu-Man! Three: Less Scarlett Johansson! We calculate that
in three years you have not once mentioned the Hu-Man
Wo-Man known as Salma Hayek! And still no review of Mean Streets! Why are these not in
the plan? You will rectify these mistakes! Fail to do this and we will
destroy you! Now we must leave you. Your television
waves of Saved By The Bell
are just beginning to reach the planet Ro-Man and we must set our TiVos!
DISNEY KILLS AT THE MOVIES
July 21
The Disney
Corporation has has basically killed the long-running show movie review
program At The Movies,
originally created by Roger Ebert and the late Gene Siskel in 1975. The
show has been running for decades under various names, but now Disney
has decided to take the show in a new direction, "along the lines of
... Entertainment Tonight" according to the Chicago
Tribune.
So both Ebert and Richard Roeper, who officially took Gene
Siskel's place in 2000, have severed their ties with the
show.
Hey, Disney! Yet another soft entertainment puff piece show
instead of an intelligent movie review show? Two thumbs way
down
and one in yer eye!
YEP, SOCIETY
IS DOOMED
The cable channel G4 is rolling out Hurl, a new reality show in which contestants gorge themselves on all sorts of food and then get rolled around in a huge bowling ball. The last one to puke their meal wins a thousand dollars (a thousand dollars, Norton! A thousand dollars!). Cue Fred Astaire singing "That's Entertainment!".
SAVED BY THE BELLE
Our Walt Disney section is finally completely now that a copy of Beauty and the Beast has reached our New York offices through channels we would rather not discuss. And when we say "complete", we are lying. There is still stuff like Make Mine Music and Melody Time to get to, but all in good time, my dearie, all in good time.
THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE
George "Star Wars" Lucas is at it once again.
Not
content with tampering with his original classic trilogy by adding new
scenes and special effects, not content with making three pointless
prequels to his original classic trilogy, not content with
regurgitating and recycling Star Wars every time he takes a breath, now
George "Star Wars" Lucas is considering using modern technology to make
his original classic trilogy - Star
Wars -
into 3D films. While this may excite Count Floyd (pictured), we have to
wonder... does Lucas really have nothing else in his bag of tricks?
The guy made American
Graffiti, and he can't come up with any other
idea for any kind of a movie besides Star
Wars? George, give it up.
It's over.
UKE CAN DO IT!!
Webmaster John B. has spent the last few months
learning
how to play the ukulele. His repertoire includes "Between the
Devil and the Deep Blue Sea", "I'll See You In My Dreams", "Dream a
Little Dream of Me" and "Tonight You Belong to Me", all originally done
by more talented musicians. As a way of tributing ukelele
players
everywhere, he has opened a new section devoted to some of the best and
most fun ukelele players who have gained some measure of fame on the
Internet. The title of the new section is Uke Can Do It
(get it?) and it will not be updated weekly like Friday Fun.
Instead, it will be updated occasionally, when the mood
strikes.
So check out Uke
Can Do It, which currently features two very different
musicians covering Beatles tunes.
GRATUITOUS FILLER PHOTO RETURNS!
Leah Remini
It's been ages since we've posted an Gratuitous
Filler
Photo (one year ago, August 2007, Maria Sharapova) but when we recently
came across some new photos one of our favorite women from Brooklyn,
the lovely Leah Remini (formerly of The
King of Queens)
we were inspired to revive the GFP immediately. Life hasn't
been
the same since Leah has left the television airwaves, and it is
gratifying to see that she is still as beautiful as ever. We
don't often wax poetic on this site, but we think Bob Dylan, as usual,
said it best: "You're as fine as anything's fine." Okay, so it's not
his most original line ever, but they can't all be "Inside the museums,
infinity goes up on trial", can they? Actually, Roy Orbison
probably said it better when he sang: "Hey, Leeeee-yah, Leeee-yah!".
That pretty much sums up our feelings on the subject.
"EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR THOSE 3 STAR WARS PREQUELS."
Jeffrey Katzenberg on George Lucas's plan to turn his classic original Star Wars trilogy into 3D movies: " He isn't going to put a product out, I think, that isn't anything other than first rate."
MEET THE BEEDLE
August 1
J. K. Rowling
is allowing her private book The
Tales of Beedle the Bard
to be published. It should be available in early December.
Harry Potter fans may remember that this is the book that
Hermione received from a dead Dumbledore in
the final HP book, Harry
Potter and the End of the Gravy Train.
She used certain information from the book to help find the magical
warddrobe that lead to the land of Narnia, where she met the Cowardly
Lion and Mr. Toad. Or sometthing like that. We read the book
in a day so we can't recall much, except that we're pretty sure Dobby
killed Gandalf in the Library with a Candlestick. Anyway, Ms. Rowling is going to donate all
the proceeds to charity, which is a lovely thing to do, especially since she already has more money than God.
Oh, and Happy Birthday, JK!
COMMENT HARDLY NECESSARY
Freddie Prinze, Jr. is
now associated with WorldWide Wrestling Entertainment.
Says one executive: "Bringing on board an experienced
Hollywood writer, actor and producer like Freddie Prinze Jr. will only
increase the level of entertainment to millions of viewers and
passionate WWE fans every Monday on USA.". Is he talking
about the same Freddie Prinze Jr. that we know about? The
only time we can remember Freddie Prinze Jr. being inviolved in an increase in the level of
entertainment of anything is when we turned off Scooby Doo in the middle of it... Howard Stern
is set to remake the Ramones vehicle Rock and Roll High School. He is also interested in a remake
of Porky's. Howard Stern plus Porky's?
Wow. It should be the film that has everything, except class,
taste and intelligence. May we suggest casting Freddie Prinze Jr
in a part, Howard?
May increase the level of entertainment.
IT WAS THREE YEARS AGO TODAY
August
2005: "Welcome to Stuff You Gotta Watch, a place at Laurel and
Hardy Central where we discuss non-L&H movies. It will be an
ongoing project, with new reviews to be uploaded as the days and weeks
go by. Though there is obviously an emphasis on classics and
timeless films, we will also review more recent movies that have flown
by our radar screen. Neither one of us is a huge fan of what
Hollywood has turned into in the last decade or so, but occasionally,
we do enjoy contemporary films. Or we see a film we expect to
enjoy and wind up disappointed, in which case, we may report that also.
As time goes by (play it,
Sam), we will offer articles and reviews on films, stars, television
shows and other entertainment-related thingies. Right now, we've just
uploaded a whole bunch of stuff, in a random sort of way, just to give
a flavor of what we envision this site to be about. Enjoy, and
remember: this is the stuff you gotta watch."
ALL SERIOUSNESS ASIDE
Our Contributing Editor Mr. S. Bailey from the lovely land
of Florida (where contented cow-conuts grow) recently requested that we
devote one of our Gratuitous Filler Photos to Whitney Thompson, the
winner of Cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model, a show that apparently
airs on the CW, which, we believe, is a television channel of some
sort. While we appreciate Mr. Bailey's enthusiasm for this site
and for beautiful women, we have to clear up one thing: The
Gratuitous Filler Photo is not
up for grabs to the public, nor to members of our staff, be they
Contributing Editors or Unpaid Consultants. When we feature a GFP, it
is chosen solely by the webmasters themselves, usually on a
whim. So, once again, while we appreciate Mr. Bailey's input, we
have to to deny his request on principle. The Stuff You Gotta Watch
is not a democracy nor even a representative republic. It is a
dictatorship. And as a dictatorship, this site clearly has
priorities and cannot subject itself to... umm... hey... wait a
gol-durn minute.... who put up that photo?
IT'S ALL RIGHT, BOB, MY WALLET'S ONLY BLEEDING
August 5
Anybody who knows me well knows I am a huge Bob Dylan fan.
In fact, just a little while ago, I was compiling my own "Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits" playlists on
my computer. But now Bob and Sony have gotten me so
angry, I feel like buying a turntable and devoting the rest of my life
to my Donovan LPs instead. In October, Bob will release The Bootleg Series Volume 8: Tell Tale Signs,
which will cover unreleased tracks, alternate versions and live cuts
from 1989 to 2007. All well and good, especially when some of the
tracks come from the sessions for his last three studio albums, which
have all been uniformly nifty. But here's the kicker: the 2-CD
set (27 songs) will sell for $18.99, while the 3-CD set (39 songs) will
sell for... you better fly down in your easy chair for this, BD fans...
$129.99! Screw the fancy booklets and the 7 inch single that comes
with the 3-CD set; we hardcore Dylan fans are being asked to pay
100 dollars-plus more for 12 more songs! $129.99 for 3 discs?
Hey, Bob, you looking for fans who are willing to spend that kind
of money on stuff you yourself initially rejected as unworthy of releasing?
It's ain't me, babe, no, no, no... - JB
R.I.P. BERNIE MAC 1957-2008
Far too many people dying far too young lately.
THE SEVEN PRIVATE PARAMILITARY CONTRACTORS!
With Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai as our of the Week, we are happy
to report some updates on the
remake
set for 2009. According to several sources, screenwriter John
Fusco and producer Harvey Weinstein have settled on doing an updated,
modern times version of the classic Japanese film rather than a
straight remake. There will be no samurai but rather seven
private paramilitary contractors (think Blackwater), protecting a small
village in Thailand from something or other. Hence, the title "The
Seven Samurai" will most likely not be used. So now SYGW no longer has
a problem
with the proposed remake, re-imagining or homage. It's been done
many times before (The Magnificent Seven, A Bug's
Life, Battle Beyond the Stars)
and will be done many times again. We just didn't want a
straight
remake (what would be the point?), and now that issue seems settled.
And for the record, we are
still majorly ticked off about the upcoming remake of The Taking Of Pelham One Two Three.
THIS CAT SHAFT IS A BAD MOTHER - (SHUT YOUR
MOUTH!)
R.I.P. ISAAC HAYES 1942-2008
BACK ON THE AIR!
We recently reported that this site would not be
updated
from August 13th through August 23rd. As it turns out, that's
not
true. A week-long commitment elsewhere fell through and so
now we
once again have time to devote to this site as usual. Good
thing
too, because today has been one of the busiest news days in quite a
while!
* Recent gossip says Tom Cruise is now reportedly "too old" to play an
action star and is being replaced by Angelia Jolie in an upcoming
movie. Hey, Tom - say hello to Scarlett
Johansson for us when you reach the old folks home!
* A developer for Advanced Micro Devices says it may now be possible to
realistically recreate old stars like Marlon Brando and put
them
in new movies using digitial technology. So now Hollywood is
not
only going to remake old movies, but old actors!
* Finally, according to US Weekly, Jennifer Love
Hewitt, burned by Internet scallywags last year
for bikini shots that showed a supposedly too-big rear end,
has
lost 18 pounds in 10 weeks. Take that, Internet scallywags!
You
won't have Jennifer's big butt to kick around anymore... so to speak...
gee, we could have phrased that better...
We admit this is not our best nor
most-clever news
update ever, but we just wanted to let you all know we are not going
away! You can each decide whether this is a good thing or a
bad.
WE BLAME DOBBY
According to Entertainment Weekly, Warner
Brothers has pushed back the release of
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
to July 2009, despite recently releasing a teaser trailer on the
Internet and in theaters. Warner Brothers' reasoning went
something like this: "Blah blah blah blah blah writer's
strike
blah blah summer is better blah blah blah...". Of course,
they
didn't realize nor did they care that this bone-headed
decision screws up all our plans
for this site's Harry Potter Month, which now officially goes back to
the ridiculous name of November again. We just hope
we have
time to get our money back on the 12 giant balloons, 50 marching bands,
30 decorative floats
and all the fireworks. Yeah, it was going to be the best
Harry Potter
Month ever.. (sniff)...
Note: Says Warner Brothers
one day later after hearing how upset some HP fans are: "We love our
fans!". No comment.
Note: Now Warner Brothers is worried that, because the book series is
over, the Harry Potter film phenomenon will run out of steam and nobody
will come see the last two --- make that three - Harry Potter films.
Seems they should have thought of that before they (a)
decided to
postpone releasing an already finished film until eight months from now
and (b) split the final book into two separate films.
HOW
ABOUT BANNING PEOPLE WHO
TALK BACK TO
THE SCREEN INSTEAD?
(Or: "Pop Go The Weasels")August 16th
Not satisfied with taking balloons
away from clowns and stripping Santa
Claus of everything that makes him endearing,
over in Jolly Old England, there is now a debate on whether to ban
popcorn at movie theaters. On
the "Wow, you're kind of crazy" side of the things, we agree
with writer Sarah Dobbs at Den of Geek: "I can
complain about things with the best of them, but I can't imagine the
sort of state of mind one would need to be in to go and complain about
popcorn. Seriously? What is it actually doing to you, to make you that
angry?".
On the anti-popcorn side of the debate, we have Nicholas
Kent,
artistic director of the upscale Tricycle cinema: "Popcorn is horrible
stuff and I won't have it anywhere near my cinema... It's a form of
junk food and that encourages junk entertainment. Its smell is
all-pervasive, it makes huge amounts of mess, and it distracts and
annoys people intensely." O-tay, Mr. Kent. Just relax and put down that
synthetic butter dispenser before somebody
gets hurt. While SYGW
appreciates insanity as much as any other site, we cannot abide by any
decision anywhere to ban popcorn at the movies. And we are
certain that such an attitude will never come to The United
States. Which means that our Congress is
probably working on a bill right now to ban it.
A BEAUTIFUL SHINING STAR
We often make fun of celebrities here in
the News on the
March
Column because... well, seriously, we don't have to explain that, do
we? But once in a while, a story comes along that
puts things in perspective and reminds us that
celebrities are real people too, and like the rest of us they sometimes
don't deserve what happens to them. Such is the case with
actress
Christina Applegate, best remembered as the airheaded Kelly
Bundy
on the television show Married with
Children.
Diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36, Applegate recently underwent a
double
mastectomy and is now cancer-free. What touched News on the March is
her post-operation attitude, summed up in her own words: "I love
living, and I really love my life, and I knew that from this moment on
it was only going to be good that was going to be coming. Yeah, I'll
face challenges, but you can't get any darker than where I've been. So
knowing that in my soul gave me the strength to just say, `I have to
get out there and make this a positive."' Ms. Applegate is now starting
a program to help at-risk women cover the cost of MRIs. Such
an
upbeat, constructive frame of mind truly moves
us and we just want to take the
opportunity to say, in all seriousness - God bless you, Christina!
http://thestuffyougottawatch.com
Copyright © 2008 John V. Brennan, John Larrabee