 NUMBER
10 - JESSICA ALBA GETS RESPECT
From the very day this page
started, Jessica
Alba was a running gag, stemming mainly from the fact that John B. was
singularly unimpressed with the series Dark Angel and
stopped renting
it after the first two discs. Although she is the very
definition
of "look how cute", her acting talent has always been a little suspect.
Yet in July, SYGW finally forgave her. The nonstop amoral and
criminal antics of
The
Rehab Tramps (you know who we mean) made us realize that there were
better targets than Alba to poke fun in the eye of, even if that did
leave us with a dangling
preposition at the end of a sentence. Plus, there was proof
that Jessica was
trying:
Able Was I Ere I Saw Alba -
June
For
the past two years, Jessica Alba has been
on the receiving end of several wisecracks both in our movie reviews
and our news stories for our perception, right or wrong, that, pretty
as she may be, she's not really all that strong when it comes
to,
you know, acting. But we have found a reason to honestly
praise
her, and ye gads, we are going to. Preparing for her upcoming
horror movie The
Eye, where she plays a blind violinist, Alba
actually learned how to play the violin. "I had to learn in
six
months how to play Beethoven and Mozart," said Alba. "It was
so
hard. I had to practice for hours!" Okay,
it's not De
Niro putting on 60 pounds to play Jake La Motta in Raging Bull, but it
is admirable to
see this from one of the younger crowd in Hollywood - dedication to the
craft. In fact, we've edited out at least two good wisecracks
from from this story and grant the lovely Miss Alba a three-month
reprieve before we ever say something not nice about her
again.
Seriously. We will purposely not see Fantastic Four 2
just to
avoid the temptation. (That's not a wisecrack...
well...
maybe a little.) |
|
 SYGW NEWS -
AMERICA'S FAIRLY UNBALANCED NEWS SOURCE:
Cable news anchors and pundits mentioned in SYGW news
items in
2007 included CNN's Kiran Chetry and Larry King, MSNBC's Mira
Brzezinski
and Fox News' Bill O'Reilly.
|
NUMBER
9 - SHERLOCK HOLMES: ACTION HERO?
Sherlock Holmes is the most famous
fictional detective in history. He is a man who uses his
brains rather than his muscles, although when push comes to shove, he
will resort to fisticuffs. So naturally, when Hollywood gets around to
reviving Holmes once again, they get it all wrong:
 As Reported
in "Better Holmes and Watsons" - March
Warner
Brothers is (are?) hoping
to turn Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's
Sherlock Holmes, World's Greatest Consulting Detective, into the next
big movie franchise character. Basing their project on an
upcoming graphic novel (or what we used to call a "comic book"), they
plan to turn the intellectual sleuth into more of an action
hero. Here are some other things we hope they are
considering for "the new" Sherlock Holmes:
* It's a pipe... and an
inflatable speed boat!
* Scarlett Johansson IS Dr. Jane
Watson.
* Nothing says "Eccentric
British Genius" like Cedric the Entertainer.
* Introducing "Bangers",
Sherlock's CGI naked mole rat.
* Tune over the credits: Eric
Clapton's "Cocaine", sung by Shirley
Bassey, with LOUD brass blaring out the the guitar riff.
* Instead of playing a violin,
he relaxes by doing Shintaro
Katsu's Duck Dance.
|
NUMBER
8 - MST3K
RETURNS... SORT OF
 Mystery
Science Theater 3000 aired from 1988 to 1999, spanning 11
seasons two separate hosts and two different cable networks. One guy,
two robots, some mad scientists and lots and lots of bad movies.
Ever since the
day it stopped airing, we've missed it. Hence our excitement
when we heard the following two stories:
We'll Still Miss the Robots -
June
 Back when Comedy Central still aired shows
that were funny rather than "edgy", no show was more beloved than Mystery Science Theater 3000,
on which one human and two robots were
trapped in an evil experiment in space and forced to watch bad movies
every week. The only thing that saved them was
their uncanny ability to make wisecracks throughout every
film. Well, now, human Mike Nelson and two of his former
MST3K cohorts (also human) Kevin Murphy (aka Tom Servo and/or Professor
Bobo) and Bill Corbett (aka Crow T. Robot and/or Brain Guy) are back in
the wisecracking business with Rifftrax, where you can download mp3
"commentary" tracks for popular films and television shows and play
them along with your DVD, and The Film Crew, a new series of
DVDs featuring the three unleashing their wisecrackery once
again on some very bad movies such as Hollywood After Dark
and The Wild
Women of Wongo. The robots are gone (shucks!)
but judging
from some samples of their commentary that can be heard on both sites,
the jokes are still very funny. Welcome back, guys!
WISEGUY WARS - October
 Back in
June, we reported that Mike Nelson, former star of the beloved cult TV
show Mystery Science
Theater 3000, had launched several new projects in
which he and other former members of the show riff their way through
movies. Now word is that Joel Hodgson (pictured), the creator
of the show and its original host, is creating something called
Cinematic Titanic in which he and other
other former members of the
show will be doing the same. Two rival factions of
movie-riffers and still no robots. In other words, if all
these fun, creative people who used to work together are interested in
riffing on movies, why no revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000
itself? As Joel often said himself during bad movies, "It's
sad, really."
|
THE
SYGW CURSE:
 Last
year, we named Sarah Michelle Gellar our Woman of the Year because of
searches for The Grudge
and Buffy the Vampire
Slayer that lead to our
site. In 2007, she fell completely off our stat charts.
In
the summer, we gave a shout out to tennis star Maria Sharapova,
practically guaranteeing she would win the U.S. Open. A
few days later, she lost in the third round.
|
 NUMBER 7 - DYING IS EASY, COMEDY IS HARD
March came in like a lion and took away two lambs of
comedy. Neither one was a comedy giant, but both, in their
own way, represented the silly, innocent side of comedy before ironic
detachment, bodily fluid humor and reality pranks ruined everything.
John
Inman was beloved as Mr. Humphries on the long-running British sitcom Are You Being Served?,
while Calvert DeForest, also known as Larry Bud
Melman, was a foil for David Letterman for years. SYGW paid
tribute to them both.
Are You Being Preserved? -
March
I normally don't put up death notices on this site, because, let's face
it, people are always dying. But sometimes a death sparks a
thought or two beyond "Gee, what a shame". Actor John Inman
has died at age 71. Inman played the campy Mr. Humphries on
the long-running British sitcom Are
You Being Served? The reason this death gets a
mention as opposed to, say, Robert Altman's demise last year, is
because it reminded me of how much Are
You Being Served? used to be an infrequent guilty pleasure
of mine when it aired on local public television. It was a
classic sitcom, in that every character was some sort of stereotype:
the doddering old fool, the brainless sexpot, the sex-happy
wisecracker, and of course, the "is he gay or isn't he" Mr.
Humphries. The show wasn't Monty Python, but I always got a
bigger kick out of it than I did Benny Hill. I can't remember
a single joke or scene, and perhaps it is better that way. - JB
Blessed Are the Silly - March
First, John Inman from Are
You Being Served?, and now Calvert DeForest, aka Larry
"Bud" Melman, from David Letterman's late night shows on NBC and
CBS. God obviously needs a few good laughs these days if He's
called home these two wonderfully silly guys in the space of two
weeks. Calvert is probably filling in for St. Peter right
now. "Hello! Welcome to Heaven! Please accept this
hot towel and a free carton of mentholated cigarettes." |
NUMBER
6 - BARRY
MANILOW IS EASILY FRIGHTENED
We are all human, and we can all understand fear.
Even
irrational fear. But fear of The View's
Elizabeth Hasselbeck?
That's just silly.
Blonde on Blonde
(or: "A Dumb Blonde... plus
Elizabeth") - September
Singer, songwriter and all-around bon
vivant Barry Manilow was booked
for a guest-shot on ABC's inane gabfest The View, but
balked at being
on the same stage with token conservative co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck,
whom he considers "dangerous and offensive". He asked to have
Hasselbeck removed for his appearance, even though he had been on the
show before with the former Survivor contestant without suffering
serious bodily harm. To their credit, rather than oust a
co-host for
the sake of a guest, The
View told Manilow to go soak his head and
peddle his fish elsewhere, though they probably said it in language
that wasn't from the 1930s. While SYGW agrees there are many dangers in
the world, we find it hard to fathom how the fairly vapid Elizabeth
Hasselbeck can be one of them. However, it becomes clear when you
consider some other things Barry Manilow considers dangerous:
* Week-old kittens who
have not been declawed ("I was hospitalized for a month!").
* Turning the pages of
books without heavy gloves ("Those darned papercuts!")
* When babies grab
your finger ("I was hospitalized for a month!")
* Hannah Montana
("What if she gets a hold of a nuke?")
* The children's
amusement park ride popularly known as "The Whip" ("It goes around
those corners really fast like... well... a whip or something!")
* Marshmallow fights
("I was hospitalized for a month!")
|
SCI-FI
HOTTIE OF THE YEAR
 Grace Park of Battlestar Galactica.
Any objections? No? Good.
|
 NUMBER
5 - WAKE UP LARRY -
HE'S ON IN FIVE MINUTES
CNN's Talk Show maven Larry King has been on the air a
long time. A very long time. Why, nobody seems to
know. He's almost never prepared to ask a single
comprehensible question of anyone. Fair enough. But when you
are interviewing the Beatles, you could at least remember who is who,
especially when there are only two left.
At Least He Didn't Call Paul
'Sporty' - July
 CNN's
Larry King recently had Beatles Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr on his
chat show. Famed as a man to whom research and show
preparation means remembering to show up on the set on time, King
showed off his amazing hosting skills by referring to the late George
Harrison as "George Hamilton" (in a not-televised moment) and, during
the TV interview, turning to Ringo and addressing him as
"George". The next night he had a guest more his
intellectual equal - Paris Hilton.
The most interesting news of the whole King - Beatles night is that it
seems Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono have put their mutual animosity
aside, at least for now, and that George Harrison's son Dhani seems to
have inherited his father's snide sense of humor, reportedly saying to
Beatles producer George Martin's son "Larry King. Check him out - he
looks like Shrek!".
ADD
ANOTHER QUOTE AND MAKE IT A GALLON
"Given John Wilkes Booth to
interview, [Larry] King would ask if he preferred dramas to musicals."
- Phil Mushnick, New York Post
|
WITH
TWENTY POUNDS OF HEADLINES STAPLED TO HIS CHEST
Some past headlines, without the stories:
 In France, It's a "Casino Royale with Cheese"
The Polarbearable Lightness of Being
Hollywood
Says: Go Take a Flying Falk
Beam Me Up, Hottie
When
Really Cute Women Get Really Bad Haircuts
Hello, Imus Be Returning
Love
is All Hewitt Need |
 NUMBER 4 - LUCY IN THE SKY WITH
DOWNLOADS
There are many wonderful things about music,
and The
Beatles comprise roughly half of them. Unfortunately, for a
long
time you could not legally
download Beatles music on the Internet. Thankfully, that is
about to
change, according to Sir Paul McCartney, who announced the grand news
that the entire Beatles catalogue would soon be available for I-Pods
and other modern musical devices that frighten and confuse the hosts of
this site, who still remember when there were turntables that had
settings not only for 78s but for those mysterious records which played
at 16 RPM. But we digress...
When We Was Fab -
November
Sir Paul McCartney
revealed today that the Beatles' entire music catalogue will become
available online sometime in 2008 for download. "There's just
maybe one little sticky point left, and I think it's being cleared up
as we speak," said Sir Paul. He didn't mention what that
sticky
point may be, but here are some guesses:
* Harrison Estate balks at
suggestion of setting different prices for the good George songs and
the lousy ones.
* Paul still not happy with
"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da", would like one more crack at it.
* Originally planned upload date
conflicts with Yoko's "Bed-In for Capitalism" event.
* Can't find Ringo, "and he
should really know about this."
* Due to bad filing system,
engineers accidentally spent last five years digitally remastering
Freddie and the Dreamers tapes.
* No matter how many
times they remix John's "I Dig a Pony", it's still a heroine-fueled
piece of
garbage.
* George Martin not finished
recovering from Yoko's too-literal entrance at the Let It Be...
Naked listening party.
* Paul still trying to figure
out how to
collect online royalties "without Stumpy McAlimony getting her knickers
in a twist about it. "
|
 POPULARITY
IS THE EASIEST THING TO GAIN AND THE HARDEST THING TO HOLD
--- Will Rogers
2007 SYGW Search
Statistics Leader
Most
Popular Celebrity Search: Lacey Chabert
Most
Popular Modern Movie Search: Mean Girls
Most
Popular Classic Movie Search: Gone With the Wind
Most
Popular Cable Personality Search: Kiran Chetry
Most
Popular Fictional Character Search: Kim Possible
Weirdest
Search Trend: Searching for Little Rascal member Alfalfa
by his real name, Carl Switzer
|
NUMBER
3 - KURT VONNEGUT: AND SO IT GOES
God Bless You, Mr. Vonnegut -
April 12th, 2007
"We know how the Universe
ends --" said the guide, "and Earth has nothing to do with it, except
that it gets wiped out too."
"How -- how does it end?" said Billy.
"We blow it up,
experimenting with new fuels for our flying saucers. A
Tralfamadorian test pilot presses a start button, and the whole
Universe disappears." And so it goes.
"If you know this,"
said Billy, "isn't there some way you can prevent it? Can't
you
keep the pilot from pressing the button?"
"He has always
pressed it, and he always will. We always let him and we
always
will let him. The moment is structured that way."
- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five,
1969
"When I think of my own death, I don't console myself with
the
idea that my descendants and my books and all that will live
on.
Anybody with any sense knows that the whole solar system will go up
like a celluloid collar by-and-by. I honestly believe,
though,
that we are wrong to think that moments go away, never to be seen
again. This moment and every moment lasts forever."
- Kurt Vonnegut, "Reflections on My Own Death", 1972.
Kurt Vonnegut, a favorite author
of the writers of this site. 1922-2007. |
RANDOM
PHOTO FUNNY
Many of the photos used in our reviews have hidden
captions
that pop up on mouseovers. Here is a random one with the
caption
revealed:
Kagemusha (1980), directed by Akira Kurosawa
"Psst.... what's the
answer to number 12?" |
 NUMBER
2 - THE SOPRANOS ENDS... SORT OF
It was the TV story of the year until the Writer's
Strike.
The Sopranos
ends with... nothing? Let's just relive the
controversy as it happened on this site in real time.
Woke Up This Morning,
Canceled HBO - June
For those of you who have recorded the final episode of The Sopranos
for viewing later, I won't spoil the end. Not for nothing (as
members of Tony's crew might say) but I didn't even see it
myself. I gave up on The
Sopranos
after watching five of the ten episodes from last year. For
me,
the show had become boring. Endless dream sequences, not
enough
cursin' and killin'. But I was interested in how it would all
end, and so after 10 PM on Sunday June 10th, I searched this thing
called the Internet to find out. And from everything I've
read,
David Chase, creator of The
Sopranos,
pulled a fast one. He went for artsy and got fartsy
instead. Some people are too clever for their own
good.
There's a reason ratings go down on popular shows, Mr. Chase.
Pictured above is Jamie-Lynn Sigler, the actress who plays Tony
Soprano's irritating daughter Meadow. I used her because
she's
prettier than James Gandolfini. Than again, so am I. - JB
Addendum, June 11th
- okay, by now everybody probably knows how it ended. I've
seen
the final scene of last night's Sopranos
and I can understand why many fans are upset. Had I followed
this
last season (I stopped watching after Season Five) I might be upset
too. Ambiguous endings can work (City Lights) or not
(They Might Be Giants)
but fans who sat through the entire run of this show deserved something
better than watching Tony order onion rings, Meadow parallel park for
five minutes and a final black screen that made many fans suspect their
cable service was having technical difficulties. I resent the attitude
of some fans who think that if you didn't "get" the ending, you are
stupid. You know what? I'm rubber, you're glue,
okay?
I "get" the ending and I think it was a copout. And Tony
Soprano
choosing Journey over Tony Bennett on the diner jukebox?
Jeez, if
ever there was a reason to get whacked...
Addendum Part Deus,
June 15th - It's the story that doesn't go away. Now cast
members
have admitted they don't know what the ending means. At a
charity
event, James Gandofini said he didn't know if Tony Soprano lives or
dies, and Jamie-Lynn Sigler stated she didn't know why Meadow had such
trouble parallel parking but she did it because it was in the script
(SYGW's favorite method of acting, by the way). Some have conjectured
that the black screen signified Tony's death, while other have
suggested the ambiguous ending allows us to use our
imaginations.
Fah! Imagination is for people who can't handle television! |
QUOTE
OF THE YEAR
"I believe 100 percent in my
heart that every
great classic has to be redone at least every 50 years. Our children
deserve these stories to be told with the values, language and morality
of today, which is entirely different." (emphasis ours)
---Robert Halmi, Executive Producer of Tin Man, the
"re-imagining" of The
Wizard of Oz.
|
TOP
STORY OF THE YEAR
J. K. ROWLING'S POTTER GOLD
 With Order of the Phoenix
coming out in theaters and Deathly
Hallows hitting the bookstores, it was natural that Harry
Potter and all his friends and enemies would make the SYGW news
desks. We didn't have just one story, but multiple stories.
It started early with Emma Watson
("Hermione") still
keeping Warner Brothers on hold while she figured out
if continuing to star in the
movies would hurt her chances of getting
good grades in school.
Just the kind of level-headed thinking that makes us
wish we could import
the savvy Miss Watson to America to help offset the damage
done to our society and culture by the Rehab Tramps. Whattaya say,
England? We'll even give you back Posh Spice:
Is You is or Is You Ain't
Hermione? - March
 There's
a right kerfuffle going on in the Harry Potter world, as
rumors are rampant that Emma Watson, who plays the boy wizard's gal
Friday Hermione, has refused to sign on for the final two films,
despite 2 million pounds waved in front of her face. (In
American currency, 2 million pounds equals 'tons of money' or 'what the
average New York Yankee player earns per heartbeat').
Meanwhile, Warner Brothers is denying the rumors, stating they are
"extremely confident" Watson will be back to play the brainy witch
until the end of the series. Like a Quaffle, it's all up in
the air
(wait for laugh). We'd be sorry to see Watson go.
Nobody can execute a haughty smirk with simultaneous raised eyebrow
like this girl. Come home, Hermione - all is forgiven.
(Editor's Note: Warner Brothers has now announced that all
three teen stars have officially signed on for the final two HP films,
making the above story moot. But at least we got to trot out the word
"kerfuffle".)
 We were then
mildly excited about The
Order of the Phoenix being shown in IMAX, with the last 20
minutes in 3D, although that story was posted simply to give our stock
Count Floyd picture some face time on our site. But things
kicked into high gear in July, which we declared Harry Potter Month at
SYGW. We unveiled our reviews of both the new movie and the
final book, paid tribute in words to some of the major stars of the
franchise, and in general just went overboard with Potter news even
when there was none. Surprisingly, it wasn't until Harry
Potter Month was over that two of our best stories were
filed. The first concerned author J.K. Rowling suing some
fans in India for paying tribute to her during a religious festival, to
which our reaction was "Really, J.K? Really?".
But
that story paled to the one that stunned the world:
Albus Has Left the Closet -
October
 Recently,
Harry
Potter author J. K. Rowling revealed that her famous character Albus
Dumbledore, head of the magical school of Hogwarts, was actually
gay. While this news shocked some readers, in retrospect,
Rowling had left subtle clues throughout all the entire series of books:
* In Sorcerer's Stone,
Dumbledore admits to once owning a Muggle television set that magically
turned itself on whenever Liberace appeared on one of the afternoon
talk shows.
* In Chamber of Secrets,
he is bitterly disappointed when his own self-created course,
'Understanding the Magic... of Judy Garland!', is dropped
from the school curriculum.
* In Prisoner of Azkaban,
he recalls the first spell he ever wrote: "Accio Mimosas!"
* In Goblet of Fire, he
is forced to make a hasty retreat from the Yule Ball when he discovers
he is wearing the same dress as Hermione.
* In Order of the Phoenix,
he briefly takes over as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Students are confused when the instructions of his more complex
defensive maneuvers always end with "and tap, tap, step and... jazz
hands, everybody!"
* In Half-Blood Prince,
his dying words are "Either those curtains go or I go!"
* In Deathly Hallows,
Dumbledore's Will reveals his handpicked choice to replace him as
Hogwarts headmaster: Bette Midler.
(NOTE: We left out some of our favorite jokes, simply in
the name of good taste. I mean, "Headmaster"?
That's a joke that writes itself.)
|
It
was a year in which The New York Mets stumbled
through a historic collapse, while the Colorado Rockies kept
winning and winning until they ran into the Boston Red Sox in the World
Series. A year in which Robert Blake, Kiran
Chetry and
Lacey Chabert were all in the running for our Person of the
Year
Award, for reasons known only to God and our stats keeper. A
year
that started with a cold January and then,
without rhyme nor reason, ended with a still cold December.
Here are
our
Top Ten News Stories for the Year which historians will always remember
as "2007". 