Stuff You Gotta Watch's
(Or: Pure Skill,
Annoyance and
Retribution) |
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Public Service Message... Walking Over The Line.... If You Were Columbo... No Women Leads, Ever!... Overheard on IMDB... Mistakes Rectified!... Alyssa Milano's Hot Corner... Hollywood News... Kiefer Sutherland... Don Imus... J. K. Rowling... Lawyers the Buffy Slayer... Fare Thee Well.... Baseball on TV.... Scary Movies!... Albus Has Left the Closet... A New York Moment (World Series)... Joel Hodgson... Lacey Chabert: Woman of the Year... Tom and Jerry!... Writer's Strike... No Sanity Clause?... Poltergiest Remake... SYGW Toy Recall... Top TV Icons... Beatles on the Internet... Jennifer Garner/Broadway... Alfalfa... Takashi Time!... Quote of the Year: Robert Halmi ... Jennifer Love Hewitt... Bill O'Reilly... Francis Coppola... Metroplis Remake... Science is Fun (Neptune and Uranus)... The Man Who Killed Baseball... Slow News Day... Not Enough Time, Not Enough Jokes... Toshiro Mifune... A Christmas Message... Paul Newman... Charlie Chaplin... Will Smith, Dr. Phil... Top Ten Stories 2007... Michael Jackson
| A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE |
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Person cannot speak or breathe Face Turns Blue First-Place Team has a 7-Game Lead with 17 to play and ends up in second place, missing the playoffs This Public Service
Message brought to you |
WALKING OVER THE LINE
I just saw a trailer for an upcoming comedy called Walk Hard written by Judd Apatow, the new King of Comedy responsible for Knocked Up and The 40-Year Old Virgin. Walk Hard is a parody of Walk the Line, the Johnny Cash story - because we are all crying out for a parody of Johnny Cash's life, I guess. This film actually makes fun of the moment in that film when the young Johnny Cash loses his older brother in a horrible accident. We're not talking about parodying slasher flicks or romantic comedies, we're talking parodying a real-life death. The fictional Cash character in Walk Hard is named Dewey Cox and yes, there is an easy "Cox" joke within the first ten second of the trailer. Another joke comes from the word "blowing" in a song sung by Cox, while yet another joke comes from the phrase "I will walk hard". So Apatow decided to parody a beautiful, tragic and uplifting film like Walk the Line because he thought it would be better with penis jokes and that the death of Cash's brother was an untapped source for laughs? In the words of Joseph Welch from the McCarthy Hearings: "Have you no deceny, sir? At long last, have you no sense of decency?". And people still wonder why I loathe modern-day Hollywood. It used to be the land where dreams came from. Now it's the land that exploits tragedy, dances on beloved people's graves and exports penis jokes, which were funny when I was five years old, all over the world. - JB
IF YOU WERE COLUMBO
Recently, somebody
broke into Francis Coppola's house and stole a computer that
contained the
script to an upcoming Coppola movie. This week, somebody
stole
computers from the set of Steven Spieilberg's latest
Indian Jones movie. If you were Lt. Columbo, who would you
suspect? Is it Martin Scorsese, attempting to solidify his
Best
Director reputation by sabotaging his main rivals from the 1970's?
Could it be some younger director, driven to madness by
living in
a Hollywood no longer dominated by directors but by producers?
Here's
the real answer: You're Columbo, there's funny business going
on... it's obviously Robert Kulp. It's always Robert Kulp.
Especially since Jack Cassidy is no longer wth us.
THE
"KATE HEPBURN IS BOX-OFFICE
POISON"
STUPIDITY AWARD GOES TO...
...Jeff Robinov, if the recent rumor
about him is true. According to Nikki Finke of the LA Weekly
site, Robinov, Warners' President of Production, has decided that
Warners will no longer make movies with women in the lead.
Allegedly this decision comes after the lackluster box
office for The Brave One (with Jodie Foster) and Invasion (with
Nicole Kidman). Yes, we are sure that the poor performances
of these movies had nothing to do with bad scripts, poor direction or
lack of imagination (both films were remakes of sorts) and is
completely the fault of two talented actresses who have won three
Oscars between
them. At the moment it is difficult to pin down the veracity
of
this story, but we have learned that there is no truth to the rumor
that Robinov's
main advisor these days is Alfalfa Switzer, former executive
of the
He-Man Woman
Haters Club.
OVERHEARD ON IMDB
About an imaginary remake of Soylent Green:
"Samuel L. Jackson as Thorn: 'Mmmm ... this is some tasty Soylent
Green!' "
HOW VERY!
We recently discovered, purely by accident, that
our review of the classic teen comedy Heathers had the cast and
crew information of the newer comedy Mean Girls.
This is what happens when you cut and paste too much while
reusing review templates. We have corrected this situation
and
apologize to Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, director Michael Lehmann
and the world, in that order. We also apologize for other
mistakes that have been rectified, though until we find solid evidence
otherwise, we will stick to our conviction that the 1975 classic Jaws
was directed by The Three Stooges.
ALYSSA FOR COMYSSIONER!
(With YouTube links!)
Oct 9.
The best thing about this baseball
post season, aside from the mighty Yankees once again losing
in the first round, has been Alyssa
Milano's Hot Corner pieces for TBS
on the Major League Baseball site. I just discovered
them tonight while searching for news about the Yankees loss, and
they're a whole bunch of fun. She interviewed the Director of
Parking at Fenway Park in Boston ("Schilling likes his spawt,
Beckett likes his
spawt... they all like their spawts."). She talked to a guy
whose job it is to rub up twelve dozen baseballs with mud before the
game.
She took a tour of Dodger Stadium. All good stuff.
Watching Alyssa Milano rub baseballs with mud is much more
interesting than, say, watching Paul McCartney
make mashed potatoes. Anyway, Alyssa has the love and joy for
baseball that I used
to have before I became all cynical, and for a few moments tonight, I
got that back while watching her informative little fluff pieces.
Alyssa should be Commissioner. If not
that, she should write a book based on these kind of pieces, about the
little people in baseball.
I pledge to write the foreword. Call me, Alyssa,
we'll do lunch! - JB
(Links in this story open
YouTube pages in a new browser.)
YOU CAN'T STOP HOLLYWOOD, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN IT
Recent stuff from Hollywood: There's a new movie in the planning stages. It's called The Last Christmas and it's all about Santa Claus retiring, coming back a few years later, and finding the world oversome with zombies and demons. So Old. St. Nick's gotta chew bubble gum and kiss ass... and he's fresh out of bubble gum. From a graphic novel, the only literature read in Hollywood these days. Oh, and a sequel to Goonies, because everybody's been screaming for one since the original was released... 22 years ago! And who says Hollywood is dead? Well, besides us.
CHLOE, I NEED THAT BREATH MINT, STAT!
Oct 10
Jack Bauer, Anti-Terrorist
Agent of Fox's 24,
is simply one of the coolest characters on television, the James Bond
of the small screen. Kiefer Sutherland, however... kind of an idiot.
The actor recently copped a plea deal, pleading no contest to
charges of Driving Under the Influence. He will spend 48 days
in
jail (that's 48 seasons or 1152 hours in 24
time) and as part of the deal, he will be allowed to wrap up the
current season of his hit show before going to the slammer.
We
would suggest that he also go to rehab to help him with his problem,
but we understand that currently, all the rehab centers in Hollywood
are booked through 2018.
HELLO, IMUS BE RETURNING
 Radio personality Don Imus, who had a racial kerfuffle a while back when he made some unkind remarks about... wait a minute.... that's not Don Imus, that's Dr. Pretorious from The Bride of Frankenstein. Let's try this again... |
 Radio shock jock Don Imus, who was fired from his job for a perceived racial slur against.... wait a minute... this is still not right.... that's not Imus, that's old-time late night movie host Zacherle... what's wrong with our research department here? Hold on.... |
 Scientist were stunned today when long-deceased horror icon Boris Karloff rose from the dead today and began devouring the flesh of the living. Some say that a space probe recently returned from Venus may be responsible for... wait a minute... that's not Karloff, that's Imus... oh, forget it. |
AND WE THOUGHT SNAPE WAS A MEANIE!
Oct 12
Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling, who started her
writing career dirt poor and is now rich beyond
imagination, hasn't forgotten her fans worldwide, especially a group of
adoring fans in Kolkata, India, who have shown their
appreciation of Rowling's magical work by creating a pandal (model) of
Hogwarts in canvas and papier mâché for the
upcoming Durga
Puja festival. Ms. Rowling, along with Warner Brothers and
Bloomsbury Publishing, tried to sue the group for copyright
infringement, demanding the group remove the pandal or pay bucks deluxe. For
for the love of Hagrid, J. K., this is
for a religious festival, not for profit, and the group is already out
$30,000 in creating the model (it's really big!). Just let them display
the thing for the duration of the festival and be happy that you're
loved worldwide! Thankfully, the Indian court system rejected
the
suit and the pandal can be displayed without renumeration to any
parties. Anyway, here is Ms. Rowling accepting some
British award or something the other night from teen Potter star
Emma Watson.
After thanking Miss Watson, Rowling immediately sued her
for having the same hair and dress color. (That's a joke, J.K. - please
don't sue!)
WHAT'S WRONG WITH LAWYERS?
(I've got a theory: It could be bunnies)
A fun and interesting trend has been staked
through the
heart by 20th Centry Fox lawyers. A few years ago, Joss
Whedon
wrote a musical episode of his show Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
and it was a hit with both fans and critics, so much that it still
lives on today as a separate entity from the show itself. Recently,
groups of
Buffy fans have been putting on "musical nights", showing the episode
in theaters as a quasi Rocky
Horror
event, where fans could watch and sing along. But now Fox has
cut
off the head of this trend and stuffed garlic in its mouth, saying that
it goes beyond licensing agreements. A Fox spokesman said
"There
are plenty of legal ways to fans to enjoy Buffy."
Yes, watch
them cut up and jammed full of commercials on cable, or buy the DVDs.
But try something fun? Against the law.
As with the story above, copyright is important, but lawyers
and
corporations could deal with exuberant fans on a friendlier
basis. Hey, Fox, how about a token fee and let your show be
enjoyed in this innovative fashion? How many individual
episodes
of any television show have been popular enough to inspire fans to do
something like this? Jeez, lawyers...
FARE THEE WELL
Oct 19
There is an urban myth that celebrity deaths
usually come
in threes, and yesterday that myth became reality when we learned of
the passing of actress Deborah Kerr, comedian Joey Bishop and singer
Teresa Brewer. Three great talents from the old days, none of
whom we have heard from recently. Yet when they pass, it
reminds
us all of a time when talent, for the most part, was the yardstick by
which celebrities were judged. Kerr was a six-time Oscar
nominee.
Bishop, part of Hollywood's "Rat Pack", made his name in late
night television, both as a frequent substitute for Johnny Carson on
The Tonight Show
and on his show which ran from 1967 to 1969.
Brewer had many hits on the charts from 1949 through 1961,
her
most famous being "Music! Music! Music!".
SOME
THOUGHTS ON TBS AND FOX'S
EXCELLENT BASEBALL
POST-SEASON
COVERAGE
Stop with the Frank TV promos! Please! Stop! We'll watch, I swear we'll watch! We'll even buy the DVDs when they come out if you'll only stop! Please! Okay, so he does a great President Bush and John Madden! Please stop! Please! They're on during every commercial break! The baseball announcers even promote the show in the middle of games! Please stop! Auuughhhh! Stop with the Frank TV! Pleeeasse! Augh! Oh my God! There's one on right now! He's doing Pacino! Hoo-haa! Auuughhhh! Auuugh! Help! Help!
P.S. Go Rockies!
NEW SECTION ADDED!
Hello, kids. Count Floyd hear to tell you of some
big news around Stuff
You Gotta Watch.
Big news of the... blood-chilling kind! Owooooo!
Heh
heh heh. Because of some recent reviews added to this site,
we've
discovered that we needed to drop our Psycho Killers section and
replace it with... SCARY MOVIES!
Owooooooo!
Heh heh heh... Now we have a place for all those
frightening film favorites that didn't fit into other sections. Isn't
that great? A whole section devoted to... SCARY MOVIES! Owooooo!
Just in time for Halloween! SCARY
MOVIES!
Owooooooo! Heh heh heh.... okay, so it's not
really
big
news. We just changed the name of one section and moved around a couple
of reviews. What the hell do
you want from me? I just work here. They ask me to
break news so I break it.
A guy's gotta make a buck somehow. Jeez. You don't want to visit the new
section,
don't! See if I care! Anyway, let's get
back to
tonight's film, Willy Wonka and the
Fleshing-Eating Mascots
from Triple-A Baseball!
Owooooooooo!
ALBUS HAS LEFT THE CLOSET
Recently, Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling
revealed that
her famous character Albus Dumbledore, head of the magical school of
Hogwarts, was actually gay. While this news shocked some
readers,
in retrospect, Rowling had left subtle clues throughout all the entire
series of books:
* In Sorcerer's Stone, Dumbledore admits to once owning a Muggle television set that magically turned itself on whenever Liberace appeared on one of the afternoon talk shows.
* In Chamber of Secrets, he is bitterly disappointed when his own self-created course, "Understanding the Magic... of Judy Garland!", is dropped from the school curriculum.
* In Prisoner of Azkaban, he recalls the first spell he ever wrote: "Accio Mimosas!"
* In Goblet of Fire, he is forced to make a hasty retreat from the Yule Ball when he discovers he is wearing the same dress as Hermione.
* In Order of the Phoenix, he briefly takes over as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Students are confused when the instructions of his more complex defensive maneuvers always end with "and tap, tap, step and... jazz hands, everybody!"
* In Half-Blood Prince, his dying words are "Either those curtains go or I go!"
* In Deathly Hallows, Dumbledore's Will reveals his handpicked choice to replace him as Hogwarts headmaster: Bette Midler.
A NEW YORK MOMENT
Oct 29
So I'm
watching the Red Sox beat
the Rockies for
the
fourth game in a row, and late in the game comes the announcement that
New York Yankee Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez will opt out of his contract and
become a free agent. And I'm thinking, is this really the
time for this
news? Two innings away from what is supposed to be the
glorious climax of the entire season? Two innings away from
the Red Sox most likely winning their
second World Series in four years? And then I though, yes,
that
is now the Yankee way of doing things. All over the country,
the Red
Sox are going to get the back page of newspapers, reminding everyone
that it was them, not the mighty Yankees, who were baseball's best this
year. And the Yankees just couldn't let that happen.
So
they had to inject themselves into the proceedings with a typical "Look
at Us! We're the Yankees!" moment just two innings
before
the Red Sox were most likely about to be crowned Champions of
2007. If it was the Yankees who released this news, shame on
them for doing it when they did. If it was A-Rod and his
agent, well, then obviously they learned the way of these modern
Yankees - always be in the news. Over the years, Yankee Class
has morphed into
Yankee Crass. Anyway, congratulations, Red Sox. You
caused me to
lose five dollars on this Series. (Addendum: It turns out it
was
A-Rod's agent who decided to make the announcement at that time.
My apologies to the NY Yankees. - JB)
WISEGUY WARS
Back in July, we reported that Mike Nelson,
former star of the beloved cult TV show Mystery Science Theater 3000,
had launched several new projects in which he and other former members
of the show riff their way through movies. Now word is that
Joel
Hodgson (pictured), the creator of the show and its original host, is
creating
something called Cinematic Titanic in which he and other
other former members of the show will be doing the same. Two
rival factions of movie-riffers and still no robots.
In
other words, if all these fun, creative people who used to work
together are interested in
riffing on movies, why no revival of Mystery Science Theater 3000
itself? As Joel often said himself during bad movies, "It's
sad, really."
SYGW WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Nov. 1st
The weirdest thing: actress Lacey Chabert has a movie career that flies so low under the radar, the U.S. Air Force should contact her for secret reconnaissance missions. Yet, of all the celebrities and movie stars we mention on this site, she has come out on top. With the help of our review of Mean Girls being our most popular for 2007, and a whole bunch of searches for the actress herself which have lead people to this site, Ms. Chabert has captured our 2007 Woman of the Year Award. Which is a relief, because the next closest celebrity was Robert Blake. Robert Blake, SYGW Man of the Year? That wasn't gonna happen, even if we had to fudge the numbers to prevent it. Luckily, we didn't have to. Congratulations and remember, Lacey... Sarah Michelle Gellar was our Woman of the Year in 2006 and has disappeared completely from our site search stats this year. So this may not be so much an award as a curse. (P.S. We give this award in November because we will be busy during the holidays with such activities as drinking heavily and avoiding eye contact with our relatives.)
CAT AND MOUSE TALES
Without warning, without knowing it was going to happen, without even a clue... a new section of SYGW was born this weekend. We present to you the unveiling of Cat and Mouse Tales: MGM's Tom and Jerry Cartoons 1940-1958. Sure, it's a mouseful... er... mouthful, but you can just call it our Tom and Jerry section. So far, it consists of reviews only of the theatrical shorts released through 1942. But, as with our Popeye in Black and White section, we will continue working on it until it is complete.
STEEE-RIKE! (Or. "Remember The Fifth of November")
Nov. 5
The long-awaited Hollywood Writer's Strike is now in effect, meaning no new movies or television scripts will be written until things are settled. And you all know what that means - if you want your daily dose of penis jokes and vomit gags, you'll have to write them yourselves.
WRITER'S
STRIKE - UPDATE #1
Things have gotten so tense with the Hollywood Writer's
Strike that when Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives
brought picketing writers some pizza, they taunted her!
A
rich, beautiful woman brings you free pizza? That's
two-thirds of
every heterosexual male's dreams right there! Don't feel bad,
Eva. If you ever want to drop by the SYGW offices with some
pizza, we promise we won't taunt you. But make one pepperoni,
please, and hold the anchovies.
UNJOLLY OLD ENGLAND
What the hell is up with England lately? First it
was clowns
and balloons,
now it's Santa. Some shopping malls in England think that Santa sets a
bad example for children because he is a fatty, so they are putting
their Santas through slimdown bootcamps. SYGW could quote
some of
the people who state their reasons for wanting to change Santa's image
for the 21st century, but the whole idea is just too stupid to deal
with this early in the morning. A thin Santa? How the hell
can
his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly if he has no belly? If Santa
was supposed to be Jack LaLane, Clement C. Moore would have fit the
words "washboard abs" in the poem
The Night Before Christmas
somewhere. Why does every single thing on Earth now have to
be
tied to some socially conscious issue? Can't we just have fun things
anymore without being preached to every single minute of our lives by
people who think they know better than us? We just hope the
people behind this ludicrous, P.C. idea wind up with lumps of coal in
their stockings. Burning coal preferably. Leave our Santa alone!
AND IN AMERICA, HO HO HO MEANS BRITNEY, PARIS AND LINDSAY
First in the UK, Santa had to slim
down.
Now, in Australia, some Santas are being told not to use the
phrase "ho ho ho" because it might frighten children. Oh, and
because it could be demeaning to women. Yes, there
are some
frightening and demeaning elements to this story, but it has nothing to
do with Santa. It's frightening that while most of us work
for a
living, some people seem to have enough time to think up this kind of
crap. And it is demeaning to our intelligence that they think
we
really give a flying wallenda about what they think. Isn't it
strange, too, that this kind of insanity suddenly crops up twice within
weeks? Once these political correct ninnies get a bug up
their
butts about something, there's no stopping them. My guess:
next,
Santa will be asked not to mention the word "Christmas" as in
"Merry Christmas" or "Happy Christmas" as it may be offensive to
non-Christians. So get ready for "Ha Ha Ha - Happy Holidays!
I'm Santa Claus and I approve of this message!". - JB
AGAIN: YOU CAN'T STOP HOLLYWOOD... YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN IT
According to JoBlo.com, some geniuses in Hollywood are set to remake the 1982 horror-ghost film POLTERGEIST. Produced by Steven Spielberg, directed by Tobe Hooper, starring Craig T. Nelson and JoBeth Williams... yep, not nearly enough talent there to warrant a hands-off approach.
IMPORTANT! SYGW TOY RECALL
With the many recalls
of toys from China recently, due to the products containing lead paint
and other potentially harmful substances, we all have to remain
vigilant. Therefore, right at the time that we had just branched out
into the toy-selling business as a way to promote this site, it is the
duty of Stuff You Gotta
Watch to
annouce its own recall. So - if anybody
purchased our
popular toy, Leaky Larry Lead-Head,
The Molten Lead Dispenser, please return it. Apparently, the
nuclear heating coil used to
melt the lead that then leaks from Leaky Larry's mouth and
nostrils (to the delight of children everywhere) can overheat.
This
can result in in burns, fire or, in some rare
instances, cause your
hometown to become uninhabitable for 99 years. Also, some
have
mentioned that the toy smells like decomposing cats.
We
don't know what that's about but we figured we'd mention it.
In
addition, several customers have written to us to complain that to due
to the design of the toy, Leaky Larry's eyes not only seem to follow
them all
around the room but also, in some cases, to work,
the movies,
social gatherings, etc. There have
also been some minor incidents concerning a
small percentage
of the toys - no more than two out of every three - being
possessed by the ancient demon Gemoroth,
whose ear-splitting
nocturnal cries of "I Have Returned To Eat Your Soul!" have reportedly
been disturbing some of our more light-sleeping customers. On
second thought, don't return the toy. Just keep it and enjoy
it
from a safe
distance. Ten to fifteen miles should be sufficient.
WHAT, NO SCREECH?
Here
are TV Land and Entertainment Weekly's Top 10 Television Icons:
1. Johnny Carson
2. Lucille Ball
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Bill Cosby
5. Walter Cronkite
6. Carol Burnett
7. Mary Tyler Moore
8. Jerry Seinfeld
9. Homer Simpson
10. Dick Clark
WHEN WE WAS FAB
Sir Paul McCartney revealed today that the Beatles' entire music catalogue will
become available online sometime in 2008 for download.
"There's
just maybe one little sticky point left, and I think it's being cleared
up as we speak," said Sir Paul. He didn't
mention what that
sticky point may be, but here are some guesses:
* Harrison Estate balks at suggestion of setting different prices for the good George songs and the lousy ones.
* Paul still not happy with "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da", would like one more crack at it.
* Originally planned upload date conflicts with Yoko's "Bed-In for Capitalism" event.
* Can't find Ringo, "and he should really know about this."
* Due to bad filing system, engineers accidentally spent last five years digitally remastering Freddie and the Dreamers tapes.
* No matter how many times they remix John's "I Dig a Pony", it's still a heroine-fueled piece of garbage.
* George Martin not finished recovering from Yoko's too-literal entrance at the Let It Be... Naked listening party.
* Paul still trying to figure out how to collect online royalties "without Stumpy McAlimony getting her knickers in a twist about it. "
A NEW YORK STORY (Or: Give My One-Fingered Regard to Old Broadway)
Several years ago, one of my brothers and I had
tickets to
see Brian Dennehy on Broadway in Arthur Miller's Death of a
Salesman. When we got there, we heard an announcement that
Mr.
Dennehy was "ill" and would not be able to make the
performance.
The next day, he was a guest on Rosie O'Donnell's talk show and
explained that he his illness was actually a hangover, the result of
drinking hard the night before. Needless to say, we have yet
to
forgive him and whenever mentioning his name to each other, we always
manage to preface it with a rather colorful adjective that rhymes with
"trucking". Now, my other brother and my sister-in-law, coming to New
York for Thanksgiving, had tickets to see (the lovely) Jennifer Garner
and Kevin Kline on Broadway in Cyrano. But that didn't work out either.
Stagehands are on strike in NYC and all shows have shut down, causing
economic havoc to The Big Apple at Christmastime. And
annoyance
for people, like my brother and sister-in-law, who rarely get to see a
Broadway show and now have that opportunity denied. I can
sympathize with them because (a) The "Trucking" Brian Dennehy incident
still stings like lemonade on a paper cut and (b) how many chances does
one have in a lifetime to be in the same building with (the lovely)
Jennifer Garner? - JB
I CAIN'T BELIEVE IT!
We are almost at the end of November and,
bizarrely,
Alfalfa is leading the month as the most searched for celebrity
mentioned on this site. Even more bizarrely, he is being
searched
for by his real name, Carl Switzer. Why this is happening, we
cannot explain. We just hope this leads potential readers to
our Our Gang/Little Rascals
section, where they can read all about Alfalfa, Spanky, Buckwheat,
Darla and even Da Woim.
IT'S TAKASHI TIME!
Nov. 28
Yeah, I am probably the only person I know who gets excited
when
an old movie starring great Japanese character actor Takashi Shimura
is finally released on DVD. I can't help it. I
remember him
from the movie Godzilla: King of the Monsters
when I was a kid, and then I started seeing him in Akira Kurosawa films
a year or so ago. And the guy was such a good actor, I didn't
even
realize that the lead samurai in Seven Samurai
and the dying bureaucrat in Ikiru
was played by the same actor - Takashi Shimura. It was at
that
point I started I started calling him "the great Takashi Shimura".
Anyhoo, one of Kurosawa's most important early films was
finally
released by Criterion - Drunken Angel.
Starring Toshiro Mifune and the great Takashi Shimura.
I have uploaded my review in the Kurosawa
section. Takashi Shimura - ask for him by name at your local
grocery store. - JB
QUOTE OF THE YEAR
Dec 2
Just in nick of time, we have a Quote
of the Year, one that so completely sums up the attitude of Hollywood
today, it is reprinted from The
New York Post without commentary:
"I believe 100 percent in my heart that every great classic has to be redone at least every 50 years. Our children deserve these stories to be told with the values, language and morality of today, which is entirely different."
---Robert Halmi, Executive Producer of Tin Man, the "re-imagining" of The Wizard of Oz.
LIFE IMITATES ART, ART UNFLATTERED
"There are just so many movies that nobody but geeky film students ever see any more," said Cheatem, "and we think it's time to update each and every one of them for a new, more sophisticated movie-going generation."
--- from Hollywood Set to Remake Everything, a parody on this site published a month ago.
LOVE IS ALL HEWITT NEED
After some unflattering candid bikini
photos surfaced
on the Internet, leading some scurvy scallywags to
rudely
comment on the alleged overabundance of her posterior region, actress
Jennifer Love Hewitt
fought back: "I've sat by in silence for a long time now,"
said the star of TV's The
Ghost Whisperer,
"about
the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized... To all
girls
with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it
on
and stay strong." Can we get an 'Amen!', people! Nobody's
perfect,
but JLH is close enough. And always seems like a
super-nice person too.
So everyone just shut up about her butt being big!
I'm talking to you, Internet scallywags! Especially when
there are more pressing problems in this world. Now that
that's
settled, can we do something about this damned
pidgeonholing
of actors? 1 - JB
1. This is a joke only one person
in the world
will get. But it's worth it.
OH, REALLY? NO - O'REILLY
We never cease to be amazed at our site's massive influence on the
media. Recent case in point: Just a day or two after our
report
on Jennifer Love Hewitt fighting back against Internet Scallywags, Fox
News' Bill O'Reilly highlighted the Hewitt - Scallywags dustup on his
highly-rated cable show. In his weekly segment Policing the
Internet with pundit Mary Katherine Ham, O'Reilly expressed much
sympathy for Miss Love and the lack of privacy for
celebrities.
Like Stuff You Gotta Watch, Mr. O'Reilly does not flinch in the face of
tackling the tough issues. Apparently, now he's not only
looking
out for you, but for Hewitt too.
WHY WE LOVE... Francis Coppola
Dec 10
Well, first of
all... The Godfather,
The Godfather Part 2,
Apocalypse Now
and a little picture called The
Conversation,
one of the perfect gems of the 1970s. But also because he
understands one of the problems with Hollywood today, as he recently
told The New York Post:
"There's no question that the regular big-studio films have
become familiar. You go and you say 'Haven't we seen this
movie?'. And the answer is yes, because that's the business
model. The word 'risk' is not in their vocabulary."
If a guy
like Coppola, who knows movies, sees this problem, Hollywood, then
there is a
problem.
HOLLYWOOD
SET TO REMAKE EVERYTHING
A little while
ago, we uploaded a parody article
with the above title. The premise of the piece was that
Hollywood
has decided to stop making original films and go back to the silent
days and start remaking every movie ever made. Now, Variety is
reporting that producers Thomas Shuehly and Mario Kassar want to remake
Fritz Lang's classic silent film Metropolis.
Said Shuehly: "[T]he story of Metropolis is a
frightening
reflection of our society that takes place in an all too possible not
too distant future." Sounds like a good
time. By the
way, Mario Kassar is the guy who brought us Basic Instinct 2
and Showgirls,
so you know the new Metropolis
is going to be grr- eeeeaaaattt!
SCIENCE IS FUN!
Dec. 12
This is not entertainment news but what the
hell...
it makes you think: Assistant professor Steve Desch of
Arizona
State University says that 4 billion years ago, the planets Neptune and
Uranus switched places. He bases this on a theory of solar
nebula formation or something similar we don't understand. So we went
right to the source - General Krankor, who, although from the planet
Krankor, has a summer home on Neptune. When pressed
for comment, General Krankor had this to say: "Yeah,
we switched places way back then. It was a goof, to
see if
anybody would notice. It took 4 billion years, but you know
with
practical jokes it's not the wait, it's the payoff. I guess
we'll
switch back now and then come up with something else. A
couple of
years ago, we used a phony voice and ordered two dozen pizzas
to
be delivered to Pluto.
Hoo-boy, we have our fun here in the outer solar system.
Hrah hrah hrah..."
THE MAN WHO KILLED BASEBALL
Dec 15
Can we officially say now that Bud Selig has been the worst Baseball
Commissioner ever? You think Judge Kenisaw Mountain Landis, Bart
Giamatti or Fay Vincent would have let the steroid scandal get so out
of hand? More than 80 names were listed in the recent
Mitchell
Report, and although it has no legal standing, it is still an
impressive, albeit sad and distressing document that calls into
question everything about baseball over the past decade.
While
Selig fiddled - with wildcard teams, post-season schedules, the All
Star Game - baseball burned. Recent records and
accomplishments
have been rendered completely suspect. Our National Pasttime
is
now as meaningful as professional wrestling. Just another
part of
American culture that has been debased, possibly beyond
repair.
Selig must go. This is one Bud that's not for us.
SLOW DAY AT BLACK ROCK
Things have been kind of slow, both in the news
and at
this site, which leads to minds wandering and questions being asked
such as:
* Are there really only ten Christmas songs that are played over and over again these days on the radio and in stores? Seems that I've heard "White Christmas" sung by just about everybody except Ludacris and Toad the Wet Sprocket.
* Alvin and the Chipmunks made 45 million dollars over the weekend? Yee-gads!
* TV Writers Strike? Hmmm, I had a great time watching The Magnificent Seven and Seven Samurai back to back last night. Checked out Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix on DVD on my day off this week. Have 24, Alias, Buffy, Angel, Firefly, The King of Queens, The Honeymooners and Lois and Clark all in boxed sets sitting on my shelf. Hope you guys work things out in Hollywood, but I'm not hurting for entertainment. - JB
NOT ENOUGH TIME, NOT ENOUGH JOKES
It's the end of the year as we know
it, and we feel fine.. but a little queasy:
* Jamie Lynn Spears, younger sister of famous Rehab Tramp. All of 16 years old and now pregnant. My God, they're getting younger... and they're breeding! (Cue eerie music).
* Dim Bulbs: Congress and President pass an Energy Bill which bans the 100 watt incandescant lightbulb by 2012, and the 40 watt by 2014. I say: you'll get my lightbulbs when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands. Now excuse me while I flush my mandated low-flush toilet a dozen times, just because.
* Time Magazine names Russian President Vladimir Putin as Man of the Year. All we have to say is - he's no Lacey Chabert.
* Due to the Writers' Strike, The People Choice Awards has been cancelled. Because what is an awards show without lame pre-award jokes read off of cue cards by clueless presenters with the comic timing of Steven Seagal? If this strike leads to the cancellation of even more awards shows, it will all be worth it.
* Hollywood coming out with The Killing of John Lennon, which promises to get inside the mind of Beatle assassin Mark David Chapman. Umm... thanks but no thanks?
* New Ernie Kovacs/ Percy Dovetonsils "News Story Icon" introduced at SYGW! Enjoy! - JB
HOT-HEADED MEN CAUSE HIM TO KILL AGAINST HIS WILL
Dec. 23
In 2008, we plan to devote more sections to actors who have
more
than four or five films in our review database. Today,
joining the
ranks of Bette Davis, Humphrey Bogart and John Wayne, Japan's Toshiro Mifune now has his own
section at Stuff You
Gotta Watch.
One of the greatest action stars in the history of world
cinema,
Mifune was most famous for his work with director Akira Kurosawa in
films such as Seven Samurai,
Rashomon and Yojimbo.
TV fans may remember his work in the American miniseries Shogun,
where he managed to control his rage enough not to kill the annoying
Richard Chamberlain within the first fifteen minutes. Please
visit Toshiro Mifune's section, or he just may come
to your
house and slice you in half. And then steal your rice balls
and sake.
A CHRISTMAS MESSAGE
Dec 24-25th, 2007 "An Act
making the first Day of January, the
twenty-fifth
Day of December, the fourth Day of July, and Thanksgiving Day,
Holidays, within the District of Columbia. Be it enacted by the Senate
and House of Representatives of the United States of America in
Congress assembled, That the following days, to wit: The first day of
January, commonly called New Year's day, the fourth day of July, the
twenty-fifth day of December, commonly called Christmas day, and any
day appointed or recommended by the President of the United States as a
day of public fast or thanksgiving, shall be holidays within the
District of Columbia, and shall, for all purposes of presenting for
payment or acceptance of the maturity and protest, and giving notice of
the dishonor of bills of exchange, bank checks and promissory notes or
other negotiable or commercial paper, be treated and considered as is
the first day of the week, commonly called Sunday, and all notes,
drafts, checks, or other commercial or negotiable paper falling due or
maturing on either of said holidays shall be deemed as having matured
on the day previous. APPROVED, June 28, 1870" --- Signed into law by
President Ulysses S. Grant, June 28th, 1870.
So there! Merry Christmas!
HELLO,
NEWMAN
From the '50s (The Hustler) through the 2000s (Road to Perdition), Paul Newman has been the very embodiment of what we call a "Star" in this "Business" we call "Show". And now he has received the highest honor of his career - his own page at Stuff You Gotta Watch. Okay, maybe you think there are higher honors, like First-Prize at the Hot-Dog Eating Contest, but you know what? Get your own page and do whatever the hell you want! We want to honor Paul Newman and nobody's going to stop us!
SMILE THOUGH YOUR HEART IS BREAKING
Dec 26Thirty years ago Christmas Day, Sir Charles Chaplin shuffled down his final road and off this planet, and this reminds us that we don't nearly have enough reviews of Charlie Chaplin reviews on this site. Just another thing we promise to do in 2008. For now, you can check out our reviews of The Kid and The Circus. That should tide you over until we get to City Lights, Modern Times and The Gold Rush, not to mention some of his talkies like The Great Dictator and Limelight.
I AM LEGENDARILY STUPID
Although we already picked our Quote of the Year,
it seems that celebrities are still trying to get their names mentioned
in News on the March
by saying stupid stuff, and, since we love our celebrities with a
passion
akin to that of Othello for Desdemona, we cannot deny them.
First up is actor Will Smith, who, while making a point about
the
inherent goodness of mankind, said this in a Scottish newspaper:
“Even Hitler didn’t wake up going, ‘let me do the most evil
thing
I can do today’. I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted,
backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good’. Stuff
like that just needs reprogramming." Will, Will... what are
we
going to do with you? We shake our head in wonder that you
could
not see what sort of vitriol these remarks would bring upon you.
Rule One: No Hitler Metaphors Ever! No matter what
interesting intellectual point you may wish to make, you just leave
yourself wide open to misinterpretation. Speaking of the
Ultimate
Evil, Dr. Phil (nice segue, eh?) actually said this with a straight
face: "An asset that Britney and Jamie Lynn (Spears) both have is a
great and dedicated mother." No comment necessary except to
say
at least he didn't mention Hitler.
EXTREE, EXTREE, READ ALL ABOUT IT
Everybody else is doing Top Stories lists, so
don't forget to check out Stuff
You Gotta Watch's Top
Ten News Stories of 2007. We guarantee our choices
will be different than those of, say, Time Magazine or Entertainment Weekly.
We feature an All-Star cast (no steroids either!)
including Jessica Alba, Paul
McCartney, Joel Hodgson, Barry Manilow, Kurt Vonnegut, Larry
King,
the cast of The
Sopranos,
Emma Watson and Dumbledore!
If you ignore Larry King (always
a good idea), that's a lot of talent! Plus interesting site
trivia and our Quote of the Year! And even more exclamation
points! It was the most exciting 2007 in history, and we
cover it
as only we can - randomly and pointlessly!
SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T THINK OF A HEADLINE
Dec 28
Just in time to not be included in our Top Ten Stories of the Year:
King of Pop and All Around Disturbing Weirdo Michael
Jackson
was recently photographed with multiple bandages around his lips.
The official explanation: while playing with his son Prince
William II (don't get us started!), he was accidentally hit in the face
--- and his upper lip fell apart. Mmm-hmm.
Beaten to a
pulp by a five-year-old. It could happen.
Meanwhile,
Jackson has been busy remixing his classic album Thriller
for its 25th anniversary release. By "remixing", Jackson
means
removing Sir Paul McCartney's vocals from the hit duet "The Girl is
Mine" and replacing them with new vocals by Black Eyed Peas rapper
Will.I.am. According to some, this is not the first
time
Paul was replaced by a "William". (Conspiracy nuts will know
what
we're talking about.)
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Copyright © 2008 John V. Brennan, John Larrabee