Stuff You Gotta Watch's
(Or: Pure Skill,
Annoyance and
Retribution) |
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Sean Connery... Bruce Campbell... Hattie McDaniel... Scarlett and Woody... Indiana Jones... Daniel Radcliffe... Lauren Bacall.... Molly Ringwald... Martin Scorsese... Neve Campbell... John Wayne... John Inman... Scarlett and Woody 2... Sherlock Holmes... Casino Royale... Emma Watson... Calvert DeForest (Larry Bud Melman)...Knut the Polar Bear... Lacey Chabert... Peter Falk... Other News
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NOBODY DOES IT BETTER
In this crazy hill of beans we call a world, it's nice to know that some things are still true. Filling out tax forms is still the tenth circle of Hell. Yellow is still the worst jellybean color. And according to a recent Internet Movie Database poll, Sir Sean Connery is still the best James Bond ever, getting 43.7% of the vote. Daniel Craig came in second with 18.9% ("Maybe"), and third ("Best Bond!") with 13.8, making his total percentage of votes an impressive 32.7. Rounding out the vote was 4. Pierce Brosnan (13.7), 5. Roger Moore (6), 6. Timothy Dalton (2.8) and poor old underrated George Lazenby (1.3) in last place.
WHY WE
LOVE BRUCE
CAMPBELL
As if anyone needed more reason to love
the
self-confessed "B-movie" actor Bruce Campbell (of the Evil Dead Trilogy),
here is a
quote from his official website,
on Hollywood's obsession with youth:
"Actors rarely turn in their best work right off the bat. Jack Nicholson's performance in The Terror (when he was 26) is a far cry from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (at 38).... Experience is useful in any profession and acting is no exception - 99% of it hinges on self-confidence and knowing how a film set works, but that takes a while to figure out. Ironically, by the time an actor hits his or her stride today, they're ready for Dinner Theater in Ft. Lauderdale."
HATTIE YA LIKE THAT?
Although we are dropping our monthly "Top 20 Phrases" report, we will
continue to do a year end report on the Top 20 most popular search
phrases of the year. And we will continue to alert you to
interesting trends. For example, in January, our most popular
review was Mean
Girls, while
clocking in at number two was Gone
With The Wind. Meaning that demographically, we
are
all
over the place, capturing readers young and old. Pictured
above
is the great Hattie McDaniel. So memorable in GWTW, but we
also
loved her when she worked for Hal Roach in the Our Gang short Anniversary Trouble.
She also
appeared in a few Charley Chase shorts for the same studio.
WOODY's WOMEN
Poor Scarlett
Johansson. I know we promised we would not report on her this
year, but what can we do when we discover the poor girl's been cast out
of Woody
Allen's inner circle and replaced by Penelope Cruz?
Independent
Producer, Director, Actor, Writer and General Weirdo Woody Allen will
be
filming his "Summer Project" in Spain this year, with Cruz as
his lead actress, leaving his previous Object of Innappropriate
Attention,
the bodacious Ms. Johansson, with only the six other movie projects she
is involved in to console herself with.
INDY GADDA DA VIDA
Despite our lousiest headline pun
ever, this is a good story. Paramount has annouced that the
fourth Indiana Jones picture will be released May 22, 2008.
Of
course, questions abound, such as: can Harrison Ford still cut it as an
action star? Can Steven Spielberg remember how to make a
simple,
fun movie these days? Will Sean
Connery reprise his classic role as Indy's father? And most
of
all, can a hero of
the eighties
still be relevent in these cynical times? We'll find out next
year. But consider this: It's
Spielberg, it's Ford, it's Indy. Keep George Lucas and his
Weapons of CGI
Destruction locked in a airtight vault for the next year and this
might
have a shot at being
pretty good.
NEWS FROM POTTER'S FIELD
July will be a busy
month in the world
of Harry Potter. On July 13th, the fifth film, HP and the Order
of the Phoenix will be released in the U.S. The
following
week on
the 21st, the final book HP
and the
Deathly Hallows, hits the
bookstores. And two days after that, actor Daniel Radcliffe
turns
18 (time flies like a broomstick, dunnit?), at which point he gains
access to the fortune he has amassed, amounting to 20 million British
pounds. We are not sure what that is in American money, but
we
still wish we were 18 again, British and playing a boy wizard in the
movies. Actually, we'd just settle for being 18 again.
WHY WE LOVE LAUREN BACALL
As
if her performances in To
Have and
Have Not and The
Big Sleep
were not enough to make anybody love Lauren Bacall, she recently talked
about how for her, making movies means staying alive. The
woman
plans to work until she drops: "At the end of every movie, always I’m
feeling, ‘You’re never going to work again.' That’s going to happen one
day, but I hope I’m not alive!"
GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY!
February ended with "Sixteen Candles" in the #1 Spot as our
monthly Most Searched For Phrase on this site. Sixteen
Candles, the John Hughes comedy
starring the irrepressibly cute Molly Ringwald and irreducibly awkward
Anthony Michael Hall, has always placed highly on our monthly search
lists, but this will be the first time it finishes a month in the top
spot. Oh, and "Cartoon Pie" is back.
WHEN MARTY MET OSCAR
By pure coincidence,
I saw Martin Scorsese's The
Departed
on the very morning of the day
on which the acclaimed director finally won his first Academy Award for
Best Director while, moments later, the film was also named Best
Picture. Although I found The
Departed to be something of a
disappointment (good film overall, but Scorsese's done much better), I
won't
begrudge Scorsese his prize. After all - Mean Streets, Taxi
Driver,
Alice Doesn't Live Here
Any More,
Raging
Bull,
The King of Comedy,
Goodfellas,
The Aviator...
it's
about time Marty won for
something. Consider this Oscar a Lifetime Achievement Award. As our way
of honoring Mr. Scorsese for directing some of our all-time favorite
flicks, we will be opening a Scorsese section soon, where he will join
John Ford, Alfred Hitchcock and Akira Kurosawa. - JB
WHEN BEAUTIFUL CANADIANS GO BAD
(Or: "Ms. Campbell's Hair by Roadkill, Inc.")
I have long championed the career of Neve
Campbell. However, there are limits to my fandom.
At
the recent Independent Spirit Awards, Neve revealed a new... er...
hairstyle. The true nature of it
cannot be fully appreciated (depreciated, actually) in such a small
picture, but it does remind me of some of my favorite "bad hair" jokes,
such
as "That's not a hairdo, it's a hair-don't" and "How'd you cut your
hair - with a weed whacker?". But the phrase that sums up my
feelings best of all comes from an old Saturday Night Live
sketch with
Steve Martin - "What the HELL is that thing?". Sorry,
Neve.
I still love you, but the "Ed Grimley in a Tornado" look is just not
good for you. - JB
THE DUKE IS STILL KING
In a rare gesture of cooperation between two entertainment
corporations, Warner Brothers and Paramount will combine to release 48
John Wayne films on DVD on May 22 to mark the
100th birthday of "The
Duke". Some of the films include True Grit, Rio Bravo and The
Cowboys. What other movie star could inspire
rival
companies to
work together in peace and harmony like this? Indeed, how can
a
man who has been dead since 1979 still make it to number three on the
2007 Harris Poll of America's favorite movie stars? There is
no
other explanation except he was, still is and always will be... The
Duke.
ARE YOU BEING PRESERVED?
I
normally don't put
up death notices on this site, because, let's face it, people are
always dying. But sometimes a death sparks a thought or two
beyond "Gee, what a shame".
Actor John Inman has died at age 71. Inman played the campy
Mr.
Humphries on the long-running British sitcom Are You Being Served?
The reason this death gets a mention as opposed to, say, Robert
Altman's demise last year, is because it reminded me of how much Are
You Being Served used to be an infrequent guilty pleasure
of
mine when
it aired on local public television. It was a classic sitcom,
in
that every character was some sort of
stereotype: the doddering old fool, the brainless sexpot, the
sex-happy wisecracker, and of course, the "is he gay or isn't he" Mr.
Humphries. The show wasn't Monty Python, but I always got a
bigger kick out of it than I did Benny Hill. I can't remember
a
single joke or scene, and perhaps it is better that way. - JB
WOODY's
WOMEN
Okay, once again we are going back on our word about not reporting about Scarlett Johansson, but we can't help it... she's so Scarlett! Anyhoo, word now is that she will be back in her third Woody Allen movie, filming in Spain this year. Apparently, Woody just couldn't work without her. Ain't love grand? Or kind of creepy even?
AS REPORTED IN "BETTER HOLMES AND WATSONS"
Warner Brothers is
(are?) hoping to turn Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, World's
Greatest Consulting Detective, into the next big movie franchise
character. Basing their project on an upcoming graphic novel
(or
what we used to call a "comic book"), they plan to turn the
intellectual sleuth into more of an action hero.
Here are
some other things we hope they are considering for "the new" Sherlock
Holmes:
* It's a pipe... and an inflatable speed boat!
* Scarlett Johansson IS Dr. Jane Watson.
* Nothing says "Eccentric British Genius" like Cedric the Entertainer.
* Introducing "Bangers", Sherlock's CGI naked mole rat.
* Tune over the credits: Eric Clapton's "Cocaine", sung by Shirley
Bassey, with LOUD brass blaring out the the guitar riff.
* Instead of playing a violin, he relaxes by doing Shintaro
Katsu's Duck Dance.
IN
FRANCE, IT'S A "CASINO ROYALE WITH
CHEESE"Just a note: Casino Royale has been released on DVD this week. Stuff You Gotta Watch gave it four and a half stars, and you know our opinions are always one hundred percent on the money. So if you want to see the best James Bond film since the Sean Connery days, support your local Mom and Pop Gigantic Video/DVD Rental Chain and check it out.
IS YOU IS OR IS YOU AIN'T HERMIONE?
There's a right kerfuffle going on in the Harry Potter world, as rumors
are rampant that Emma Watson, who plays the boy wizard's gal Friday
Hermione, has refused to sign on for the final two films, despite 2
million pounds waved in front of her face. (In American
currency,
2 million pounds equals "tons of money" or "what the average New York
Yankee player earns per heartbeat"). Meanwhile, Warner
Brothers
is denying the rumors, stating they are "extremely confident" Watson
will be back to play the brainy witch until the series ends.
Like
a Quaffle, it's all up in the air (wait for laugh). We'd be
sorry
to see Watson go. Nobody can execute a haughty smirk with
simultaneous raised eyebrow like this girl. Come home, Hermione - all
is forgiven. (Editor's
Note: Warner Brothers has now announced that all three teen
stars
have officially signed on for the final two HP films, making the above
story moot. But at least we got to trot out the word "kerfuffle".)
BLESSED ARE THE SILLY
First, John Inman from Are You Being Served, and now Calvert DeForest, aka Larry "Bud" Melman, from David Letterman's late night shows on NBC and CBS. God obviously needs a few good laughs these days if He's called home these two wonderfully silly guys in the space of two weeks. Calvert is probably filling in for St. Peter right now. "Hello! Welcome to Heaven! Please accept this hot towel and a free carton of mentholated cigarettes."
THE POLARBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING
(Or: "First the Bears, Then The Mentally Handicapped Zebras!")
This is
technically not
an entertainment story, but what the heck. Knut, Germany's
now-famous polar bear cub, is alive and kicking, despite the wishes of
an animal activist who believes the adorable little thing should have
been killed. See, Knut was abandoned by his mother and raised
by
humans at the zoo, an act which the above-mentioned hateful freak
considers "species inappropriate". Luckily, saner heads
prevailed
and now Knut is delighting crowds of Deutschlandic zoo-goers with what
can best be described as "cuddly antics". We sincerely hope
Knut
grows up to be the biggest, greatest and strongest polar bear
ever. And then sneaks out of the zoo and seeks out this
activist
for a little one on one chat. "Hi, remember me? (Chomp!)".
THE CHABEARABLE LACEYNESS OF ACTING
At the
end of last year, we wished,
along with
many other things (peace
on earth, blah blah blah), that wholesomely cute actress Lacey Chabert
("shuh-BEAR", hence the pun) would get a decent movie
career going. However,
we are
just about ready
to throw in the towel and admit defeat to the Powers That
Be. Why? Because it is obvious that
Chabert picks
her scripts using a Whammo "Stupid Stick". Hot on the heels
of
the sad and sorry remake of Black
Christmas comes the straight to DVD The Pleasure
Drivers in which the niceness-exuding starlet plays the
most
unconvincing
call
girl in the history of light converting photosensitive emulsion into
latent images. The movie is
awful, worse than anything her
fellow Party of Five
co-stars
Neve Campbell or Jennifer Love Hewitt
ever did, and that's saying a lot. This film also
stars Meatloaf,
which, if you say it really fast, sounds just like "This cat
food
contains rat
poison."
HOLLYWOOD SAYS: GO TAKE A FLYING FALK
Here's the sitch: Peter
Falk, who
played detective Lt. Colombo, is one of the most beloved TV icons since
the invention of the orthicon tube. He recently approved the
script for
a new
Colombo movie called Colombo:
Hear
No Evil that he and his producers
are eager to get filmed and on the air.
Here's the hitch: As of this writing, no station wants to buy it because Falk is going to be 80 years old in September. Yep, that's right. Peter Falk, a man whose mantle shelf is decorated with five Emmies for his portrayal of the most famous fictional sleuth since Sherlock Holmes, has been told "You can't be on TV any more because you're too old." Meanwhile, American Idol's Sanjaya will probably end up with a recording contract. And 100 years from now (or possibly 100 days from now), people reading the archives of this site will be saying "Sanjaya?". And then probably go watch a re-run of Colombo.
NOT ENOUGH TIME, NOT ENOUGH JOKES
Dozens of stories catch our
eye each day, but we only cover a handful. Here are some we
considered covering this quarter (Jan-Mar) but punted at the last
minute.
Geico's
Annoying
Metrosexual Cavemen to Star in Sitcom
The last time a series of commercials was
turned into a
sitcom, we got Baby Bob,
which didn't even last long enough for said baby to soil his first
diaper. As one of our moms said, "Why don't they make a show
about that little lizard instead?"
David
Arquette Turns
President Reagan into a Serial Killer
With
Hollywood
completely politicized the way it is these days, you would think
that at least slasher flicks at least would be
safe. But
you would be wrong. In July, David Arquette's directorial
debut The Tripper
, a slasher flick about
a guy who dresses up like Ronald Reagan and axes hippies to death, will
be released. Last year we wished for more work for
Arquette. Now, if this is best idea he can come up with, we
kind
of wish we hadn't.
Peckinpah's Straw Dogs on the Remake Block
Does anybody in Hollywood have original ideas any more? ( Oh, yeah, we forgot, they do - Ronald Reagan as an axe murderer. Sorry. Our bad.)
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