STUFF YOU GOTTA WATCH - Abbott and Costello Meet Shakespeare

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET SHAKESPEARE

By John V. Brennan
September 2007

Originally appeared on the now defunct site Life is a Carnival.

(SCENE: Outside the Castle Elsinore)
(A GUARD stands watch. Enter PORTFOLIO.)

GUARD:
Who goes there? Stand and unfold yourself!

PORTFOLIO:
Long Live Bacciagalupe!

GUARD:
Portfolio!

PORTFOLIO:
Yes, 'tis I. What goes?
Has thou seen the ghostly vision this night?

GUARD:
Yea, I have. And look!
Yonder it approaches!

(Enter GHOST OF SID FIELDS)

PORTFOLIO:
You speaketh the truth!
Looks it not like Sid Fields,
the former baron of this land?

GUARD:
Such was the very garments he had on,
when he the obnoxious Stinky combated.
It harrows me with fear and wonder.
Speak to it, Portfolio.
Ask it what it wants.

PORTFOLIO:
Need I know what it wants?
Pray that it should know what I want!

GUARD:
And what is that?

PORTFOLIO:
For it to leave.

(Exit GHOST OF SID FIELDS)

GUARD:
You tremble and look pale.

PORTFOLIO:
You know me only too well.

GUARD:
Ah, Portfolio ---
I read you like a book.

PORTFOLIO:
Hush, for here now comes
the portly comical one Costellio.

(Enter COSTELLIO)

GUARD:
Halt! Stand and unfold yourself!

COSTELLIO:
What does thou thinks I am, a bedspread?

PORTFOLIO:
Yes, it is Costellio.
What do you seek?

COSTELLIO:
I look for the good Sir Abbott.

PORTFOLIO:
Why, here comes the gallant Sir Abbott now!

GUARD:
Come, Portfolio, we must take our leave.

COSTELLIO:
You depart? I prithee tell me why.

PORTFOLIO:
For there is something rotten
in the state of Denmark...

GUARD:
And we do mean you.

PORTFOLIO:
But, 'fore we take leave, good Costellio ---
a query for thine ears.

COSTELLIO:
Pray tell what may it be?

PORTFOLIO:
Has thou ever ridden a jackass?

COSTELLIO:
I fear not.

PORTFOLIO:
Than thou had best get onto yourself.

(Exit GUARD and PORTFOLIO)

COSTELLIO:
(aside)
A good jest, that,
from that jack-a-napes Portfolio.
I must spring this trap on Sir Abbott!

(Enter ABBOTT)

ABBOTT:
Good morrow, friend Costellio. How goes thee?

COSTELLIO:
How now, Sir Abbott.
Has thou ever ridden a jackass?

ABBOTT:
Nay.

COSTELLIO:
Than climbeth upon my back!

ABBOTT:
Costellio, Costellio,
fellow of most excellent fancy.
Cease this madness and tell me
of your plans this morrow.

COSTELLIO:
I am taking myself to the game of bases,
where nine men chaseth the white sphere.

ABBOTT:
Ah, 'tis fortunate fate finds you
in mine company, stout fellow.
For I am the manager of the very fellows
whom you seek to see.

COSTELLIO:
Fair Abbott, would you find it in your heart
to let me play with such fair and just noblemen?

ABBOTT:
I shall in all my best obey you.

COSTELLIO:
In some future course of events,
it may strike me to speak of these goodly yeomen,
and yet, know I not what their names may be.

ABBOTT:
Tis but a simple proposition.
I will tell you.

COSTELLIO:
Oh, thou noblest of all straightmen,
you are most kind.

ABBOTT:
Now, we find Who on first,
What Ho on second
and This I Know Not on third...

COSTELLIO:
But these are the very facts
I wish you to convey, good sir.
And yet, in the very same breath,
you ask me the same.

ABBOTT:
I do not ask,
thou impertinent fat-kidneyed hedge-pig!
I merely relate.

COSTELLIO:
Then relate to me, Kind Partner,
who may I find on first?

ABBOTT:
Tell you to me
the very same I tell to you?
What kind of jest is this,
thou bawdy swag-bellied miscreant?

COSTELLIO:
Tis no jest. 'Tis a misunderstanding.
I prithee, do not smite my visage.

[Enter THE THREE WITCHES]

THREE WITCHES:
We tell you their names,
just as you beckoned
Who is on first,
What Ho is on second,
and if ye seek the name
of the Knight upon third,
This I Know Not
is what we have heard.

[Exit THE THREE WITCHES]

COSTELLIO:
Odds bodkins!
Such foul creatures!
In my mind's eye, they make me envision
the pair of dour maidens
with whom we dallied a fortnight ago!

ABBOTT:
Such prevarication!
The maidens of which you speak
were handsome indeed!

COSTELLO:
Your maiden, p'raps.

ABBOTT:
Prithee tell me why mine and not yours?

COSTELLO:
Yours possessed teeth!

ABBOTT:
Cease, Costellio!

COSTELLIO:
Mine possessed so much bridgework,
for each peck on her lips,
she extracted a ducat from my purse
to pay for the toll!

ABBOTT:
Let us let this trumpery abate, rotund ally,
and begin our discourse anew.

COSTELLIO:
Agreed...
What ho, Good Abbott.

ABBOTT:
What Ho is on second.

COSTELLIO:
Who is on second?

ABBOTT:
Nay, Who is on first.

COSTELLIO:
This I know not.

ABBOTT:
Third base.

COSTELLIO:
(aside)
Tis a riddle he dangles before me,
as one dangles an apple before a mare...
Yet, I shall bite.
(to Abbott)
In what way did I find myself on third?

ABBOTT:
You mentioned his name.

COSTELLIO:
Ah, and what name would that be?

ABBOTT:
This I Know Not.

COSTELLIO:
All I am seeking is the name
of the Good Knight that occupies
the base of first.

ABBOTT:
Who.

COSTELLIO:
The first baseman.

ABBOTT:
Who!

COSTELLIO:
The guy playing first!

ABBOTT:
Forsooth!
Cease thy buffoonery, saucy knave!
A vision approaches!

COSTELLIO:
Angels and ministries of Hillary Brooke defend us!
It is Mr. Fields!

(Enter GHOST OF SID FIELDS)

COSTELLIO:
Sir Abbott, thou art a straight man --- Speak to it!

ABBOTT:
Oh, balding apparition with the vice of avarice,
if thou hast any sound or use of voice,
speak to me!

SID FIELDS:
Where the hell's the rent, you knuckleheads?

(Exit Sir Abbott and Costellio, pursued by a landlord.)

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