STUFF YOU GOTTA WATCH - Wish List for 2007

Wish List for 2007

Peace on Earth
Good will Toward Men,
and No More Remakes...
Is That Too Much to Ask?

By John V. Brennan and John Larrabee
November 2006

The following wishes represent the opinons of both webmasters of this page, but not necessarily simultaneously.

May movie makers stop with the remakes already!

ICE-T IS CHARLES FOSTER KANE: Look, Hollywood, if you can't think of any new ideas, you shouldn't even be in the movie business. Instead of plundering your own past and remaking classic films, why not take those old films and offer to show them at high schools and colleges to educate kids and young adults to the joys of movies from the past? You don't need to update KING KONG or THE DIRTY DOZEN for a new generation - the old ones will do just fine if you work at it.

The past is something you should build on, not crap on. Movies were much better just a few years ago before you went all remake-happy on us. Remember when you had a little imagination? No? Oh, well. Let the remake of GONE WITH THE WIND with Scarlett Johansson and Will Ferrell begin!

More things we wish for in 2007:

BLOW IT UP REAL GOOD: May Hollywood stop using computer-generated imaging to simulate explosions. Scientifically speaking, different things explode in different ways. Sometimes there's a lot of smoke, sometimes not. Sometimes the flames shoot up, sometimes they shoot out. Yet in movies now, all explosions look the same, as a cartoonish ball of flames that is about as convincing as Jessica Alba playing Lady Macbeth (not that we wouldn't watch that anyway). In a major climactic moment of the lame Jody Foster vehicle FLIGHTPLAN, they used completely obvious CGI to blow something up, and it sucked all the wind out of what was not a very good movie to begin with.

Filmmakers keep making the same mistake with CGI: they use it for everything. When properly used, it can bring us something like Peter Jackson's King Kong (meaning the ape, not the movie) and the Hippogriff from HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN. It's also wonderful for backgrounds, acting like computer-generated matte paintings. But it is absolutely wrong for stunts and explosions. Some things in movies have got to be real. SCTV's John Candy and Joe Flaherty had it right: when you want to blow something up, you just gotta blow it up. Blow it up real good.

THROW THEM ALL OVER THE HEDGE: May Hollywood stop with the wisecracking CGI animals and insects. When you cannot tell one of these films from the other, it's time to come up with a new idea. It's called The Law of Diminishing Returns. Look it up.

four stars, reviewed
More of these people, please?

She is so fetch I LOVE LACEY: May somebody in Hollywood realize that former Party of Five actress Lacey Chabert deserves a better career. Yes, she received good exposure in MEAN GIRLS, where she proved to be a great comic actress, but that was two years ago, and except for starring in Christopher Reeve's THE BROOKE ELLISON STORY on cable, she hasn't been in a worthwhile movie since. Lacey is funny, a good actress and beautiful, and yet she's doing straight to DVD crap that Neve Campbell wouldn't even touch. Paris Hilton has none of Lacey's attributes and she's a superstar. And that's just wrong. Somebody get Lacey a starring role in something quality and hittish soon - she's only got about 15 years left before she hits 40!

Deputy Dewey FAMILY MATTERS: May David Arquette get more work. Historically, the entire Arquette family has always been a fun bunch, from Cliff "Charley Weaver" Arquette, Lewis Arquette, the sisters Roseanna and Patricia, and even Courteney "Extra E" Cox-Arquette. But the most fun Arquette of all is the wacky, offbeat and hilarious David Arquette. Whether it's one of the SCREAM films, EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS, RAVENOUS or just a guest-shot on a rerun of FRIENDS, it's worth tuning in just to see him. And his shifty eyes and cheesy mustache.

Whatcha doin', Jennifer my love? ATTENTION MUST BE GARNERED: May Hollywood come up with something for Jennifer Garner to do on the small screen. We'd say "big screen" but we don't need ELEKTRA 2 or 14 GOING ON 31. Plus, we don't think she currently has the star power to open movies, but like so many other Hollywood Jennifers, she has great small screen appeal. Jennifer Garner - we miss her. She has big geeky ears, a huge forehead that could be rented for advertisement, and a Joe E. Brown-sized mouth with a million teeth, and all that adds up to a beautiful, talented and fun to watch woman that some of us couldn't love more if we tried. Bring her back weekly in something fun and non-stupid. Meaning, not a Bennifer reality show.

I'm not Mel! LOOKING FOR ALBERT IN THE HOLLYWOOD WORLD: May Albert Brooks make more than one movie every five years or so. His last one, LOOKING FOR COMEDY IN THE MUSLIM WORLD, received only a limited release, probably due to the title, which was considered controversial. Granted, it was far from his best film, but even a middling Albert Brooks film has more wit and genuine thought behind its gags than five standard Hollywood comedies combined. And since it failed miserably at the box office (how could it not?), who knows when Albert's next one will be? We need more nest eggs, sherbert that tastes like an orange foot and lessons on sarcasm.

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN THEATER PRESENTS: May directors stop with MTV-style editing. Please let us see the action unfold in a way that doesn't cause epyleptic fits from too many flashing images in too short a time.

LET US DRAW YOU A PICTURE: May Hollywood bring back hand-drawn animation. Not to replace CGI animation, but to complement it. We keep hearing how it is coming back, but we really haven't seen it yet. Everything is still CGI and it's getting repetitive. By the way, if and when hand-drawn animation does come back, let it come back with good scripts to back up the artwork. It's no good to us if it just means more wise-cracking animals and insects.

SELF CONTROL - IT'S NOT JUST GOOD, IT'S GOOD FOR YA!: May unmarried superstars stop procreating. Listen, you guys and gals: If you have to procreate, choose names that won't get them picked on or beat up in grammar school. But seriously, forget that last part. Just stop procreating.

Some other things you could stop doing (you know who you are): Please stop marrying your backup dancers. Please stop marrying and divorcing two years later. And marrying, having kids and then divorcing two years later. And marrying, adopting childen and divorcing two years later. Please stop marrying lovely, blonde, girl - next - door type actresses that America loves and then shagging every other actress you meet on every film you make. Please stop using every interview to talk about your sex lives. Please stop doing Public Service Announcements on television to tell us how to run our lives.

As a matter of fact, just stop. Whatever you are doing, just stop!

NEW ON DVD... AGAIN!: May those in charge stop issuing newer and newer versions of movies on DVD that people already own. Get it right the first time and stop trying to suck more cash out of our pockets every few years with the same stuff. For example, Peter Jackson's KING KONG has been on DVD for months now, certainly long enough for most fans to have bought it already, and now they have come out with the extended version with (wait for it) 230 more visual effects and 38 minutes of deleted scenes. Granted, nobody at this website is going to buy any DVD release of Jackson's KING KONG, but we're collectors and we do feel bad for the fans of the film who bought the first one and now have to buy the new version. And how many times and ways can the Bond films and the Star Wars films be re-released?

BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEEN THERE: May Hollywood stop making big budget movies out of old television shows. You went to film school, you've plowed through classic film textbooks, you've studied CITIZEN KANE and THE SEVENTH SEAL inside and out... so now making THE HONEYMOONERS with Cedric the Entertainer is really what you want to do with your life? At least we hope you didn't welch on your student loan.

WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A MOVIE: May Will Ferrell take a vacation. We have nothing seriously against him, and the movie ELF actually got a darn good review on this site. But he's everywhere! He's the new Morgan Freeman! He's the male Scarlett Johansson! Will, take a break!

A NOVEL IDEA: May Hollywood stop looking to comic books as their prime source of literary inspiration. Here's a tip: if you are reading something with color pictures and word bubbles, it's not really a book. Besides, there are only a handful of super heroes who really have universal appeal. Superman, Batman, Spiderman ... and that's about it. There are other forms of literature out there, you know. I'm not talking about children's books, though we approve of the Harry Potter and Narnia series. We're also not talking about stuffy old English drawing room dray-mas that give actresses whose first names are "Dame" a shot at Oscars. We're talking about classic fiction by outstanding authors with plots made for filming. Here are two random examples: Ayn Rand's WE THE LIVING, about a feisty young girl during the Russian revolution who fights against tyranny (we know it's anti-Communist, Hollywood, but you just suck it up and get over it), and Kurt Vonnegut's CAT'S CRADLE, about a scientist who creates water that freezes at room temperature, as well as anything that it touches. Both are perfect for movie adaptations. But please don't cast Will Ferrell. Or Scarlett Johansson.

BEATING AROUND THE BUSH: May they stop with the "documentaries" already. Perhaps now that the Democrats have won majorities in the House and Senate, Hollywood and independent filmmakers will relax a little with the one-sided anti-Bush, anti-Christian and pro-Al Franken films that seem to be released on a weekly basis. We believe in Freedom of Speech, but when 100 percent of your documentaries comes from the same political side - the same political side most of your fictional movies already feature - and you insist on releasing new ones week in and week out, it reeks of propaganda. We get it already. Now shut up and gives us some of those cute penguins again.

would you vote scarlett off the island?
or give lindsay her pink slip on a freaky friday?

No-Jo! No-Lo!

FRANKLY, SCARLETT, WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE: JB: Okay, nobody is more a fan of Scarlett Johansson's beauty and charm and flowing blonde hair and hourglass figure and the way she does that thing with her eyes and how her lips.. er... where was I? Oh, yeah, nobody is more a fan of Scarlett Johansson's beauty and charm than I am. I've featured her in news items even when there was no news about her. But no more. She's completely overexposed now, and I am ashamed that I was part of it. Not deeply ashamed, but ashamed nonetheless I'm not saying there should be a ban on Scarlett. Just ease up on the hype, put her on fewer magazine covers and maybe only shoehorn her into only two movies a year instead of three. Is that so much to ask for?

LOHAN BEHOLD, YOUR TIME IS UP: JL: I have to disagree with you in that I'll take all the Scarlett Johansson I can get. But Lindsay Lohan's 15-minutes-of-fame clock should be at about 14:58 right now.

THIS WISH IS RATED NC-17: May Hollywood filmmakers stop crying about the ratings system. Let's think for a minute... you've made a movie where the world's dirtiest joke is told 100 times, a movie where the f-word is examined for 90 minutes, and a movie where a guy has sex with a donkey. You've already lowered the standards of good taste to a point of no return, and now you're bitching about the ratings system? Oh, boo hoo! $%&@ you, &%#$heads!!

YOU RELEASED BARABBAS, WHY NOT THESE?: May those in power get around to releasing the following DVDs - THE AFRICAN QUEEN, a second W. C. Fields set, more Laurel and Hardy (well, all of the Hal Roach Laurel and Hardy films, really), Tom Waits's BIG TIME, and Criterion editions of any Kurosawa films they haven't released yet, especially DRUNKEN ANGEL.

     BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!: John L., in the midst of a move, offers these late additions:

   -The entire planet shall be declared a Tom Cruise-free zone for at least five years.
   -Hollywood will release at least one hit movie that has complex and interesting characters, a storyline that packs a punch (as Harry Cohn used to say), and for which there will be no spin-off merchandising (including video games, action figures, breakfast cereal, or raspberry-flavored toothpaste).
   -More catty remarks from Lauren Bacall about how clueless and classless today's "stars" are. As always, she should name names.

HI-HO, STEVERINO: And where's that lifetime achievement award for Steve Buscemi? - JB, JL

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